Imagine being on vacation in a barren land where people take being stalked by lion prides and tigers and even leopards in stride. The only protection is faith that standing still will keep them from attacking me and I am definitely afraid. Then going inside to discover only a stout wooden gate is keeping the beasts out of the room when a toddler unhooks the gate and it begins to open. I can see a lion is nosing the other side, waiting to get in.
Imagine a kindly woman getting me an interview with a professor who is supposed to help me get my affairs in order, but upon arriving at the building I realize I've lost my ID and can't remember the man's name! I stand in one line after another to talk to someone about it, but the lines keep closing and the crowd around me begins to close in.
These are both just samples of the dreams I've been having and the over-riding feeling during them is one of absolute exhaustion. All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep. While all the while I am already asleep and dreaming. You might think I was depressed.
This was my frame of mind, this morning. I almost decided not to watch the Episcopal church service I have been tuning into on Sunday mornings lately. But I did.
And it was as if it were there expressly for me. It was the story of Elijah, in the cave, hearing God in the silence, being told to leave the cave and get to work, because life is filled with difficulties but it goes on. I cannot just lie down and go to sleep -- forever. There is something for me to do.
My faith is tenuous. In everything. An example is when I play the piano. Once I realize I am playing a piece and doing okay, I immediately begin making mistakes.
That same wavering affects everything I do. The cave feels safe and comforting. Like Elijah I feel ready to die, but it seems I am being called out.
No comments:
Post a Comment