Decisions are different than choices.
When I think of choices, I envision choosing between a hot fudge sundae and an ice cream cone. I imagine picking one beautiful garment over another. I anticipate all the colors of paint I might use on my next painting. Choices imply something good to me.
Decisions feel harder. Decisions mean doing things I have to do, or need to do, or should do, or even things I don't want to do, but feel are necessary.
Decisions like whether to go out and get a job, or whether to block someone I've been chatting with, or what not to eat in order to stay healthy, are the sort of things I want to put off, or avoid altogether. They are awkward and unpleasant things.
Today I felt a tinge of something I had forgotten even existed. It was like looking through a long tunnel into the past to a time when the future looked hopeful. That feeling that there are possibilities for living the way I dream of touched me for a few seconds as I was reaching for my coffee this morning. For one moment in time I remembered life the way it used to be before divorce and internet and scams.
That simple feeling of being free from any desperate condition seems to have passed. Now our country is always under the threat of electing another petty dictator, we are repealing humane laws in favor of retribution, the very air we breathe is being eroded by people who profit from misusing our natural resources.
Of course once anything starts, it is always the beginning of the end, but the end feels more imminent now. My own if not the world's.
No comments:
Post a Comment