Listening

 

A large part of solving problems involves listening.

Listening is a skill that many people do not really have.

They are busier thinking of what they will say next than they are paying attention to the person speaking.

Having a single minded focus does not allow for making rational decisions. Nothing has only one point of view. Some views may be kinder or more civilized, but it is worth the time it takes to actually hear the other sides.

The art of listening can be taught, but because it really is an art, some people are unable to understand it.

And some people simply do not want to learn or understand it. I think these people understand, on some level, that their view is flawed and are not willing to acknowledge that some changes should or could be made.

All solid relationships must have some way of exchanging and compromising on their thoughts, beliefs, and cultural diversity. Otherwise the base is so volatile and shaky there is bound to be a collapse.

The abused

 

The one good thing about the worst of times is that, sometimes, you discover who really has your back.

Good people pop up with offers of all sorts of help from lawyer fees to places to stay.

People come out to stand behind you because they know who you are.

You are the person who helped them when it counted. 

You are the one who is never too busy.

You are the one calm voice amidst the turmoil.

And you are being falsely accused by an evil creature who will stoop as low as necessary if it accomplishes their aim.

You were the abused one, the one whose weight dropped down to almost nothing, the one who tiptoed through his own house for fear of the wrathful temper that waited behind closed doors, the one who homeschooled the child, did the grocery shopping, the cooking and cleaning while working a full time job and more to pay the bills.

And even in the midst of this abuse, you were the one who cared for and loved the abuser.

If there is any justice in this world, all the accusations against you will fly back in the face of the abuser and you will finally be free.

Aging

 

The hardest part of aging is that the heart and mind do not match the body.

Anathema

 

Sometimes I don't know how people can expect to test others with any degree of accuracy without knowing how they think.

For example: show me a triangle and a square and ask me if they are the same or different and, of course I will say different.

Now show me two squares and ask me if they are the same or different and I wonder if you mean different from the former triangle and square, or different from each other?

Minds approach problems from so many different angles.

The New York Times has a game called Connections. I can often see three or four connections depending on the context of the word I'm looking at.

Einstein said, "The true sign of intelligence is imagination." I like this, but people who think outside the box are anathema to test makers.

Princess Charming

 

There really are people out there whose life revolves around being mistreated or misused.

Whether they do it with sarcasm or simply as a play for pity, it is the same result. 

They are in jeopardy if their life is good, so they never portray it that way.

Without this misery in their lives they have no repertoire!

After twenty or so years I begin to notice a trend that makes me doubt the veracity of everything they say.

There is no doubt this person is an emotional vampire who feeds off misery of every kind even if they have to make it up.

They will swoop in to help you . . . for a while, but eventually everything turns back towards them.

Their world is one of imagined slights, overstated fears, hysterical pain and constant weeding out of those who no longer serve their purposes.

In the end no one is charming enough to put up with all of this.

Narcissists

 

People bandy about the word Narcissism, but it connotes a terrible and devastating personality disorder.

Narcissists are charming people, they have to be in order to get the attention they need and they need an infinite amount of attention. They are black holes disguised as people sucking up everything in their wake.

The terrifying part of that charm is its indiscriminate use of other people as bait to snag what they need from life.

A true narcissist will spend a lifetime using other people. Once a narcissist is through with you there may nothing left but a depleted shell emptied by a person who only knows how to take, a virtual vampire of human emotions.

No one can avoid the devastation a narcissist wreaks forever. Even their child will become a victim eventually.

Unfortunately many narcissists are very intelligent manipulators who are able to hide their true selves from the broader world almost indefinitely. It is mostly those who care about them or love them deeply who suffer. The rest of the world simply falls into their trap unknowingly feeding the monster that stands before them, brilliant, beautiful and successful.

Attention!

 

I have been watching some of those pseudo scientific movies on Roku where people try to debunk or prove things.

My faith in their thoughts began to waver when they said that a man did not react to a rod supposedly flying right by his ear. They seem shocked that he did not react like he would to a pesky fly or mosquito. 

For one thing both flies and mosquitoes buzz.

For another I have sat right next to my husband on a couch and he has failed to notice that I cut over 14 inches off my hair. From below shoulder length to pixie length

Not all people are all that aware of what is going on around them. 

This same man, my ex-husband did not notice a 96 inch sectional missing from our 12 by 10 foot living room for two days.

Seeking

 

I wish I believed the way I once did.

There was a time when it was so simple.

But now as the end of my life draws closer I find myself not believing.

I don't think anyone can make you believe. I've heard all the stories, sang all the hymns, been to so many churches, so many retreats, done so much praying and meditating and listening.

I believe in goodness and a power greater than me, but I can't put a face on it.

I want a faith in something that I can wrap around me, drown myself in and know like I know my breath comes from my lungs and my blood is pumped by my heart.

I want a faith that never wavers and I guess that is asking a lot.

But that is what I have always been seeking.

Just waiting

 

Sometimes I have the eerie feeling that this is all only a dream, or a story someone is writing.

Then I expect something to happen.

I'm not quite sure what, but it seems like it will be positive.

I live each week expecting the unexpected, whatever it will be.

I'm never disappointed, 

Or rewarded.

I am just waiting.

Up to date

 

I have not been the same since Covid.

After sitting or lying down for nearly a month my knees have rebelled against sitting in little low chairs, or really any chairs at all. They dislike remaining in one position for too long.

I am always tired, even after sleeping nine hours!

And I seem to be even more susceptible to all of the germs in my class.

Just this week I have been able to do more than the basics around my apartment. I've worked on an acrylic painting and am taking advantage of a Christmas gift to learn some water color painting. 

Still, anything other than work on a work day is beyond me. I don't have the energy or stamina to grocery shop or do anything else. I come home, collapse into my recliner and often fall asleep.

Arrogance

 

I think arrogance might be the most offensive of all attitudes

Everything about it, the haughty smiles, the dismissive way of ignoring others, the assumption that they know best, are the best, is all disgusting.

Many politicians are arrogant in their belief that with the right backing and enough money they can do anything. 

Arrogance is usually accompanied by ignorance and often used by sociopaths to force themselves upon those around them.

It saddens me to see people taken in by arrogance thinking it means someone really knows.

Trapped

 

Sometimes I feel trapped by my medical doctors who refuse to treat me unless I go to all the procedures they feel are necessary. 

I know this is in my best interest, but it increases the stress in my life by two hundred percent.

Gone are the days when I can go to sleep, or wake up without thinking my kidneys are at 26% or my weight is too high, or my blood sugar is too high. Of course that also means my blood pressure is too high.

It is like a self promoting circle of doom.

I often think I would rather live and die in a shorter amount of time than deal with all this worry. I'm doing the best I can and worrying does not improve anything, but when there is always a doctor appointment looming how can I forget?

Living

 

My age has allowed me to live through almost any situation you might be able to envisage.

Theoretically that means I should be capable of handing anything, but the opposite is true. I am capable, but I know I am only able to control me for sure.

I know, from experience, that there is no cut and dried method for everything, or anything really.

What worked one time may, or may not work the next. People, animals, even the weather, or a reaction to illness, are not really predictable.

As I grow older my body responds differently to medicine and is slower to recuperate.

But I also know that I am freer now in many respects too. I have less to lose. My money is gone. My belongings are minimal and the things I value are mostly relationships.

I do have an attachment to my phone and this computer and my paintings and art supplies, but those are things and while I might not be able to replace them exactly, they are NOT irreplaceable. 

Living seems to be a maze with an infinite number of twists and turns. Some lead into beautiful little niches while others lead into terrifying places, or dull swampy bogs, but if I just keep going it will eventually change.

Klara and the Sun

 

i recently read a book about an artificial intelligence who is purchased to become the friend of a little girl named Josie. 

The friend is programmed to do all sorts of things, but it views the world through its own experiences and limitations, which isn't really too different from the way we view things.

Eventually the friend realizes that it is there to help Josie die, or fade away in the words of the AI. Since she is powered by the sun, she has come to think of the sun as God and begins to try and persuade this God to favor Josie so she won't fade so quickly.

The book speaks to me on so many levels as I begin to fade. 

All things end, even AIs when their batteries no longer charge, but it becomes more personal as the end draws near. It doesn't matter whether we live to twenty or a hundred. We tend to try more extreme things as we become more desperate, or witness someone we love fading fast.

But in the end it is all futile, so most of us pretend there won't be an end until that becomes impossible. And in the interim we also develop eccentricities and pretend belief systems that help us deal with all the other things we have no control over.

Stressors and muses

 

Sometimes there are stressors in life that I think are necessary, but it may turn out that they are legitimate fears that my subconscious is reluctant to let go of.

I have faced abandonment so many times in my life, you might think I would get used to dealing with it. 

After all it is not ever the end all I think it is when it happens. It is simply a doorway to a new way of being or thinking, or living and all unknowns are uncomfortable in some way.

And, honestly, each one has led to something better most of the time.

I lived with the knowledge that my husband was unfaithful in so many ways for most of our long marriage. That kind of worry and doubt cultivated for years and years and years is bound to promote stress. Then I dated someone who was a freer spirit than I was used to and that was stressful too, although it was a profound lesson in loving. Add an actual scammer to all this and it is not unreasonable to see why I find it difficult to trust people.

But not trusting most people is unfair to everyone, them and me. We should be able to start with a clean slate except my slate has a fine mist of leftover bits left on it. And blow as hard as I might; washing it clean night after night, even trying to replace it with something totally new just can't seem to make everything bright shiny new. I am damaged goods.

That is stressful.

Sometimes I feel more like a thing than a human. During those times all my creativity dies. That is why I need a muse. That muse becomes the key to my freedom. Our interactions allow my thoughts to soar into those unimaginable places and become imaginable.

Unfortunately being my muse is not easy and it seldom lasts very long. Then losing the muse becomes another stressor as I ponder and grieve the loss.

Age

 

I was the oldest child in my family, but after my marriage I was often the youngest person.

My ex was older. His parents were the age of my grandparents and his brother the age of my parents.

We played a lot of Bridge which tended to be a game played by older people.

Our neighbors were older people.

Many people in our church were either much older, or much younger, so we were often the "young couple" who lead the teens in our EYC group or as servers.

Now I am almost always the oldest person around.

My coworkers are mostly 35 years younger and some even more than 50!

I have children and grandchildren who are adults or approaching maturity.

My friends have mostly retired in other places, but the women in my meetup group are much younger.

They say age is what you make it, but all in all, I would say it was easier to do things a few years ago. Now I get tired faster and injured more easily. I don't have the energy to do all the things I want. Especially now that I have gone back to work.

My sister has been the closest person to my age for most of my life, but we do not have many things in common. Our choices in music, reading, television, movies, plays and hobbies are very different, but we do have a common history and that becomes comforting as I grow older.

Is it possible

 

What if I could actually change my life by using my mind? Not by going to classes, or tricking someone, or using it in generally accepted ways, but in nontraditional ways?

If life is but a dream, is it possible to imagine the life I want and make it happen? Or is that simply new age wishful thinking?

If some part of the brain is able to use new neurons to improve life, is there a way to facilitate that?

In fiction people use their third eye to do all sorts of things. What if I could use it to improve my life?

Then there is the question of whether or not I would notice it if I did?

Is my reality always just a foregone understanding that this is it? Do I accept changes as a normal part of living?

Any of these things could be a normal part of living, but I like to play with the idea that there is something more to it all. Can I think myself into something else? Like in Music Man where they use the think method to learn to play instruments, or shamans think themselves into the shapes of animals, or a swami causes himself to levitate, Is any of this possible in real life?

If it were possible, what would I use it for?

I would imagine myself able to maintain a healthy eating style. I would develop my maximum energy level so I could do all the things I want to do without hurting or being tired. I would also imagine myself capable of truly empathizing with people around me and developing the skills to communicate with them on a meaningful level. These are all things I value and find difficult.

It's the old healthy mind in a healthy body goal along with being a useful human being.

sky people vs earth people

 

In Fiddler On The Roof  Tevya is talking to his daughter. He says a fish may love a bird, but where will they build a home? The idea is that they need to have more in common.

Growing up I heard opposites attract and my parents were mostly opposites. I thought my ex-husband and I had much in common, but over the years I discovered we were very different people. We clashed!

I think rather than alike or opposite, it is complimentary that I am looking for.

Someone described it as earth people and sky people, but I am a sky person and my ex was definitely an earth person, so it is not as simple as that either, although I believe it is closer.

A dreamer, a romantic, an artistic sort needs someone with their feet on the ground. Someone who understands the importance of stability and reality.

It does not mean they are polar opposites, just that while floating freely to securely anchored tethers, neither one floats away into deadly waters.

There are some necessities in life that are necessary if it is to be enjoyable. A safe place to live and food for both the mind and body are starters.

Forever Muse

What do I want and why do I want it?

That seems like a pretty straight forward question.

Only it is not. Maybe it never has been for me. 

I think I have always been more focused on what I should be, or what people expect me to be. The one thing I truly wanted was children and I found a way to have them. In fact, I went to all sorts of extremes to have children in my life. Pregnancy, fostering, adopting, teaching, I spent a good part of my younger years accomplishing this one goal. It was important to me. It still is, only now my children are grown and my grandchildren are almost grown.

Now where do I put my focus?

That is a difficult question because a part of me feels I am too old, too unattractive, too unaccomplished, too undeserving to have what I think I would like now.

But if I put all those things aside, I think I would love to find a companion to share my life.  Someone to talk to, maybe to write to, to dream with, to travel with. Someone who could love me for just who I am and not get tired of my unwavering devotion. Someone to be my forever Muse, a person I can dream of, write about, and maybe even hold in my arms, because I am overflowing with love.

I have to admit I really don't expect that to happen. 

It takes all my courage to even think it and even more to write it,

But that is what I want and why.

Honesty

 

Honesty is a huge part of life.

It's okay to be a romantic, to have a big imagination, to try and be positive, but in the end honesty wins out over everything else.

How else can I trust that I am keeping myself safe?

Wanting a dream and having a dream come true are not the same thing. If dreams came true all the time it would be a different world. That is not being negative it is being realistic. If something seems too good to be true, especially at my age, it probably is. I have to trust my instincts. They have been finely honed over the years, especially the last year.

I'm not sure I'd believe anyone new I met was who he or she was until I actually met them in person. On that particular point I am damaged goods.

Acclimating

 

Acclimating to new situations is something everyone has to deal with. As a young person I did it so quickly I didn't even think about it.

I remember moving into our first home in Bloomington. It felt like home almost immediately. A few years later when we bought our first house, it took longer.

Now I've been in this apartment almost six years and just last spring it really felt like home. This is the first apartment in over 13 years that has done that. The others always just felt like a place I was staying until I moved. Part of it was hanging my paintings in the bedroom and part of it was realizing it was the best apartment I can afford, so moving would be counter productive.

I started working again about 22 weeks ago. It is a job I love, but it takes a lot out of me. Part of that was the unintentional feeling sorry for myself because it was necessary after being scammed and part of it is the strain it puts on my bones and muscles. I would come home and crash, eating whatever was quickest and easiest to find, then go to sleep and do it all the next day.

This week, for the first time, I found things changing. I realized I no longer felt sorry for myself and I have a tiny bit of energy left to prepare food when I get home. I also realized my kidneys are at a critical point where I must take care of what is left of them, so diet is important.

I'm trying something new food wise and I'm hoping to acclimate to this new way sooner rather than later.

Enduring right

 

I try to remember that one of the last freedoms in life is the right to choose my attitude. 

It sounds like a small thing, but it isn't.

Attitude influences everything. It is the light nuanced in the darkness, the hope lingering in the chaos, the spark that makes it possible to go on when all the statistics say it is useless.

It is an ephemeral thing, I can't teach you one, two, three steps to achieving it. I can't always even demonstrate how to do it, but I know it is possible to use this enduring right to make life tolerable, or even great.

I am hard wired to find the good in anything I cannot avoid. It may sound like a lot of hoo ha, but it really does make life tolerable. 

My imagination seeks out creative stories to explain to myself why I am okay with whatever is; and as long as I am comfortable with them, they work. Sometimes those stories lead me into a different way of dealing with the reality of my life, then I am so grateful.

I've discovered that stepping back and looking at my life from the outside is a good way to find balance. Quality of life counts! Separating myself from petty gossip, biased opinions, and simple overly critical judgments can make all the difference in the world. Nothing is really black and white. All those gradations in between become the staircase to a happier life.

Once upon a time

 

She came into my life as a tiny foster child twelve days before her fourth birthday.

She had a severely limited vocabulary. 

She was still in diapers and her feet had been badly burned by scalding water a year or two before.

We ended up adopting her, but did not know how things would turn out.

Years of fantastic teachers and lots of dedicated hard work by her and our entire family got her through high school and into the work force.

She is and always has been a good worker and she has supported herself her entire adult life. I used to think it would be nice if she could meet a child from a family similar to ours. A family that was dedicated to helping their child succeed. One whose child had manners and social graces that were deeply ingrained. A family wanting and willing to see their child succeed in this world.

It took her nearly fifty years, but they met and this past week they were engaged in Cancun on a fairy tale beach! This is a match made by two extraordinary people who have worked hard to achieve the American dream.

They both have jobs to be proud of, a lovely home, and each other. That's as close to happily ever after as most of us ever get.

Good company

 

In this world money counts for so much more than it is really worth.

In the words from Fiddler On The Roof, if you're rich they think you really know.

Sometimes that is true, but there are a lot of rich people who don't fall into that category. 

And there are a lot of people who work hard every day without making a lot of money who are very good, very intelligent, wonderful people.

So if you are doing your best and keeping your head in the right place, never be ashamed of being poor, because you are in the company of a lot of good people.

The Nature of the Beast

 

Expecting perfection from anyone, even myself, is unrealistic. Everyone has something good, or bad, that is part of them. We are fallible creatures who are, hopefully, always learning.

It is easier to be nonjudgmental about animals. I expect cats to leap upon anything that moves, or birds to dart away from any surprises. It is part of their nature. 

People have natures too. Some of them are quite laudable and some less so.

It would be unrealistic not to expect the con man to always be thinking about the next con, or the thief not to take advantage of something left unguarded, bu that doesn't mean this person isn't able to be loving, or even honest in other situations. Loving such a person requires common sense and looking through eyes that see the truth.

Trying to project my idea of who these people are onto them is counter productive. It might make me feel better, but it is unrealistic. Just because a person is kind, or sweet doesn't negate caution.

Expectations must include their true nature.

Mistakes

 

I like to play Sudoku among other things. Given a choice of easy to hard I used to choose the hard version, but I discovered I like to win, so I often play an easier version. Then my goal is to win without any errors. I find that there are two kinds of errors. One is where I actually make the wrong assumption and the other is when I carelessly hit the wrong number with my finger.

I used to be okay with the second, thinking, oh well, I know the right answer, so that isn't really a mistake. Only it is a mistake! Carelessness is almost worse than not knowing, because it can be avoided.

No one likes to make mistakes, but I grew up feeling that there was something almost sinful about it. I felt personally liable for such flawed actions. 

After years of living I try to look at mistakes as learning situations. Especially when I am around children, I try to just admit that I made a mistake and do better the next time. 

It still isn't easy for me, but honest mistakes are much easier than careless ones. I try not to be careless. I want to be the kind of person who lives moment to moment, paying attention to the people and situations around me. If I do that I am more understanding and kinder and being kinder makes me happier.

Alienation

 

I think I have a knack for alienating people. 

But I am constantly inundated by people pretending to be who they are not.

Men and women, perhaps not even who they represent themselves as, seem hellbent on making life difficult.

They resurrect old feelings, old fears, bad memories.

Everyone says the same things, but of course not all of them can be right.

This must be the season of the scam, the time when it is most prudent to begin to fleece the unsuspecting.

But this sheep has been sheared before. She knows the routines. She recognizes the sounds.

She is not ready to repeat the experience.

Ever.

He loves me, he loves me not

 

I am constantly approached by people who see my paintings online and want to chat. 

First of all I assume they have no idea how old I am. I am old enough to be their mother, or maybe even their grandmother! Which doesn't mean we can't have a meaningful, or interesting chat, but I know that isn't really what most people are looking for.

That sounds jaded, but it's true. 

I cannot tell you how many people profess to love me, or want to be with me in the first day or two. Sometimes in the first paragraph! That is when I generally just block them. Even if what they say is true in their mind, I don't want a relationship with anyone that shallow.

It makes me think I shouldn't even be on Instagram or Facebook sometimes, but I enjoy the contact with my friends and family.

Much of the time I don't even respond to a "hi" or "hello" out of fear they will want to chat. And I never respond to people claiming to be famous people anymore. I know they're all fakes. There must be five hundred Tyler Hines and Simon Bakers out there trying to convince people they are the real thing. In the end they are all probably just trying to get money from unwary people. I am not unwary anymore.

I am so wary that if my mother texted me I'd probably make her convince me she was the real deal. Of course my mother is dead, so that is not a problem, but you get the point. I hate being so mistrustful of people. 

I am sticking to the people I know. My family, friends, and my Muse.

Forgiving doesn't change the memories

One year ago this week the relationship I had with my scammer was starting to bloom in full. I was getting a pedicure and manicure when I received frantic messages from him.

He said his assistant had been arrested by customs as soon as they landed in the states and he was totally lost. He said his assistant handled all his money and plane tickets and he was in agony because he would not be able to meet me that night.

He was supposed to send a car to pick me up for dinner and we would meet for the first time in person. In the end I wired him money to fly in by himself, without security (because he loved me so much he would risk anything) and expected him the next afternoon or evening.  He said he would call as soon as he landed here at our airport.

I was all dressed up and waiting for hours before he finally texted that he hadn't been able to come. (Because he had to try and help his assistant.)

Thus began months of me waiting and sending money and being disappointed time after time, but in between he wooed me with beautiful songs and sweet words. He even sent pictures of the house he was looking at with an agent. He said he would bring more pictures when he came so we could decide together. In the end he sent me a huge check that we would deposit together the day he arrived. 

It would be for a down payment on the house and to replace all the money I had sent him from my IRA.

I thought all this was behind me, but the memories just keep popping up like painful little attacks on my heart. My dreams are filled with the promises and the sweetness which only makes waking up worse. 

I suppose there is bound to be a time of mourning for something that big in my life, but it is an odd situation. How can I mourn what never really was? 

This life I am living now is completely foreign to me. I've never actually "had" to work before. It was always a choice in the past. In some ways that makes it more meaningful. I am completely exhausted and every bone in my body aches, but I do love my job.

Honesty speaks volumes

 

I am learning to simply be honest.  

For some reason it is hard for women of my generation to do that. We often feel like we have to beat around the bush, or make up excuses for things we don't want to do. That we need to give reasons for our feelings and answers, or apologize for them.

But it is okay to have feelings and preferences and to act upon them. It is okay to say I am uncomfortable with that, or I don't want to do that. 

I know it is okay, but it is still difficult for me to do it and yet I have done it three times this week. I am learning it is even harder not to be honest. Not being honest requires tip toeing around and continuing on with false statements. I respect people too much to do that.

If I am honest with you then you can be sure that I love and respect you. I feel you are safe enough to hear the truth, old enough to understand, kind enough to know we can't always agree.

And that's the truth!