Kumbaya

 

I have been taught to always put my best foot forward. 

As a first child my only examples were the grown-ups around me and of course everything they did was much better than I could ever hope to do or be at that early age. I don't remember any explicit directions to do better, but I think my inborn intuition was to succeed.I wanted affirmation that I was okay, doing it right, a good person.

As an adult I often find myself doing something and then stepping back to see if it is done "right." Is there a wrinkle or line out of place? What if I have company and they see this. Will they think I am doing it right? Is it perfect?

Then I have to ask myself if I am doing it for me or them. Why do I make the bed? Why does it have to be perfect? Am I really teaching those I love to do the right things or am I teaching them to be neurotic and obsessive?

As a preschool teacher I sometimes made a "mistake" just to let a student know that was okay. That the world didn't end if I did. 

Having the perfect house, dust free, wrinkle free, in a well designed space should not be the goal unless I am in a contest for house beautiful in some magazine. I need to cut myself some slack and allow the people I love the freedom to be at ease. Let them know that if they are not here I don't necessarily keep every spot of water off the faucet, or speck of dust off the glass.

My daughter-in-law once said, after the birth of their first child, "He thought when you came everything would be kumbaya, perfect." 

That has stuck with me, but it is still a challenge for me not to try to be perfect. Knowing there is a fine line between wanting that and obsession.

Someone

 

My sister did not want to continue living retired in my building. She felt that it made her no one and she wanted to go back to being what she considered someone.

Now she is back working part time and living in a house with a yard, she feels as if she is someone again.

I feel she was someone from the day she was born, but that she just didn't understand it. I suppose it depends on how you define someone and how you evaluated who they are.

For me it is important that I am as self sufficient as possible and to that end I have eliminated, or modified, most of  the things that require me to ask for help. I feel that being empathetic enough to realize other people are already very busy and do not need to be at my beck and call is a kindness I can offer. I enjoy their company, but they don't have to be doing something for me to see them. I want them to come because we have things to talk about, dreams to share, ideas to create -- not furniture to put together, or things to repair.

It is nice to be needed and loved, but that shouldn't become an obligation.

Being someone I am proud of is more about ethics and empathy than titles and possessions.