Forever Muse

What do I want and why do I want it?

That seems like a pretty straight forward question.

Only it is not. Maybe it never has been for me. 

I think I have always been more focused on what I should be, or what people expect me to be. The one thing I truly wanted was children and I found a way to have them. In fact, I went to all sorts of extremes to have children in my life. Pregnancy, fostering, adopting, teaching, I spent a good part of my younger years accomplishing this one goal. It was important to me. It still is, only now my children are grown and my grandchildren are almost grown.

Now where do I put my focus?

That is a difficult question because a part of me feels I am too old, too unattractive, too unaccomplished, too undeserving to have what I think I would like now.

But if I put all those things aside, I think I would love to find a companion to share my life.  Someone to talk to, maybe to write to, to dream with, to travel with. Someone who could love me for just who I am and not get tired of my unwavering devotion. Someone to be my forever Muse, a person I can dream of, write about, and maybe even hold in my arms, because I am overflowing with love.

I have to admit I really don't expect that to happen. 

It takes all my courage to even think it and even more to write it,

But that is what I want and why.