Disillusioned

 

I am not at my best in this moment. I am feeling those things that designate me as an older person. The world feels dingier, less beautiful, less filled with hope and other optimistic underpinnings than usual. It will pass. At least I hope it passes, it is not like me to give up hope very often.

There was a time in this world when babies were born at home and when people died, the family dug a grave somewhere on the property and buried them. Now the world has found a way to capitalize on everything. Babies are born in hospitals costing thousands of dollars and dying requires thousands more. Lately the new trend among those I know is to pay off their funeral expenses ahead of time to save their children having to deal with it later. One of my friends has already written her obituary and picked out the songs for her funeral. 

Everything today has a price. Not a price as in a consequence or logical repercussion, but an actual dollars and cents cost. Having to pay to be born, die, or meet someone feels wrong to me. It dulls the patina of something very beautiful and sacred.

But I am not young anymore. I do not have all those attributes a young person has to bypass negative consequences, so I go with the flow. What other choice is there? I feel I still have a lot to give in this life, but whether anyone wants it is another question. 

I suppose that just validates the old theory that I have to please myself, rely on myself, make myself happy and the rest be damned. It feels pretty altruistic and harsh and I know I don't really feel that way. My problem is generally that I care too much, dream too much, and give other people credit for having the same feelings and that may be more a character flaw than old age.