Everyone has their own idea of how the world should be. What is right, what is wrong, what is iffy. I fall into these categories someplace deep inside of me no matter how open minded I believe I am. I'm not sure where they come from, but I know they aren't new. Depending on how I view them, good, or bad, I am in good company throughout the ages.
It is Satan whispering in one ear and that good little angel yammering in the other. It is the key that opens the door to the long dark night. It is the vindication that says, "Do it! God wants you to!" It is cultural traditions and taboos. It is the nod of approval and parental admonitions. It is that smile my father thought he hid and a collective bag of other experiences and memories translated by and recorded in my brain. It is who I am.
Intellectual knowledge and desire, current popular beliefs and tried and true philosophies can't stand up to these things very easily. I can say and write all the right things, force myself to respond in all the correct ways and, because a very fundamental part of me doesn't really agree, I am still often only a very engaging and sweet charlatan. Not by choice and probably not even consciously, but it's there.
Today I bought a wide screen television. A very modest one by today's standards, but even though I could put it together and get it up and running, I could not adjust the color so that is is right. In fact, the picture is terrible. I did finally make a plea for help and I think my friend's son will come over next week and take a look at it for me, but it was hard. My old television is very small, less than twelve inches and nearly twelve years old. I can barely see the faces from across the room and I cannot read the tv guide at all. Intellectually I know it is okay for me to buy a new tv, but deep down inside is this sort of shadowy feeling that I deserve that lousy picture because there are a million better things I could do with the money I spent on it. I know people are hungry and living without even the barest of necessities and here I am buying what amounts to a very expensive toy.
This whole moving experience has been a little bit about this. I have spent a lot of money, most of it from my retirement fund, to buy things I could either have lived without, or bought cheaper versions of and it kind of dulls the shininess of all my new stuff. I got all those accolades for being so non materialistic when I left everything in North Carolina, but it turns out that I am pretty materialistic after all.
I'm a pretty accomplished debater too. I can justify rain during a flood and no one knows that better than me. And that is exactly why it is so hard for me to just brush off these feelings. I know it is not "bad" to buy things I want, but I also know I don't want to find myself making excuses for doing things I don't really feel are right.
On the other hand, I don't want to have to make excuses for doing things I think really are alright, because I believe that deep down inside of you and me are some things that just are who we are, and that is exactly the way it is supposed to be. Balance doesn't come from just one side.
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