Powerless

Not being able to breathe effects everything, so I don't know if the angst I am feeling is just this cold I have, or something else. In my dreams I am not enough. And being not enough means that everything else is jeopardized. It takes away my power, my security. It takes away the identity I have endowed myself with during the past thirty years, leaving me vulnerable to criticism no one would have dared to voice ten years ago.

My dreams are stark, but full of twists and turns where danger lurks in every yet to be seen place. I am responsible for another human being, or more, but there is always someone standing between me and the thing I am seeking. That someone misunderstands everything I say and do and no matter how hard I try to explain, they cannot seem to get it.

I find myself under intense pressure to go ahead of everyone, find the right ways, find the thing we are looking for and do it before they get there so I can make it as easy as possible for them to understand. The rushing makes me afraid I will make mistakes. The people I run into along the way are so frustrating I want to scream, but I don't dare. These people, be they ever so misinformed and slow, still possess the Power. I don't know exactly what that Power is, but I know it can make my life horrible.

And that is why I am up at three thirty in the morning. I just can't bear to deal with these people anymore. They are driving me nuts, which is a little frightening since "they" are people in my dreams and therefore really just me.