Don't throw yourself on the altar

I thought I was becoming a sweet little old lady, filled only with smiles, kind words, and a quiet little life, but that is not to be. I discover that I am filled with the same old thoughts, needs and ways that I have had most of my life. Might be that coming off the celexa cracked the shell of the little old lady and, like a big black bug with black and dirty feet, I am coming to get me. Not to eat me up, but to rescue me from dying while I am still alive. If anything all these parts of me are honed to a sharper edge.

I am noticing that I can smell lies, even little white ones, at five hundred paces and they still infuriate me. Why? I am not sure. Perhaps it is because someone considers me stupid enough to believe such drivel, or perhaps it is because I hate seeing someone lie to themselves when the truth would be so liberating. Painful maybe, but not as unbearably painful as one might think. We human beings are resilient creatures. As a whole we have survived much worse things than most of us ever have to deal with.

Forced kindness masquerading as love is only passive aggressive meanness. It is says, " I am letting you suffer the consequences of a situation I have set you up for, not the consequences of your own actions, but I am going to try and make you (and me) and everyone else believe it is the consequences of YOUR actions, not mine. I am a good person." I grew up with some of this kind of "love" and I chose to try not to pass it on. Most of the people I know who live this way do not even see who they are, but that does not negate the injury it causes to those who trust and love them. It is the ultimate lie, embraced by millions as self sacrificing love.

And that brings me to something I really abhor, self sacrificing love. Don't throw yourself on the alter of misguided intentions for me, or anyone else's sake. It only brings out the blood lust in us. I'm not talking about the real kind of self sacrifice which says, I will do what I believe is truly best for you no matter how hard it is, but the kind that says, "look at poor me, see what I have suffered for you?" Boy does that lay a guilt trip on the already suffering love object! The behavior born of this is frustration and anger and disrespect, and confusion too.

One of the things I love about living here is the lack of most of this. It allows me to be me. I am a very loving person, a very caring person, but I am also a very intelligent person. I cannot lie to myself and believe it and I have learned to live with that. It really works for me and I wish I could show others how it could work for them. Our children, our family, our real friends, do not want us to be paragons of purity. They only want to live in rational reality where the rules don't change from day to day and the love is real.