A sad tale

All the people who think I am ineffably sweet should have seen me today. Not that I'm proud of what happened. I am certainly not, but it did happen. I have a terrible temper. One that I have long learned to control under most circumstances, but once in a while I lose control of it and, like tonight, I am left suffering a deep regret.

My temper was trained and honed during a nearly thirty year marriage. My husband was the kind of person who knew exactly how to do the most hurtful things and then twist them afterwards. He usually did it smiling like he wasn't upset at all, except that he would turn bright red. He knew just how to make me feel frustrated and angry and totally helpless to do anything about it.

I almost never get angry anymore. I usually am able to see what is really going on and make adjustments for that. Understanding goes a long way towards keeping the peace, but once in a while I have one of those days were the old frustration bubbles up to the top and if I am not careful I can use words in the most hurtful way possible. I am good with words. They can be like knives on my tongue and if I lose control of my feelings I let them loose on undeserving people.

Most people are doing the best they can with whatever situation they are dealing with and they, too, can have very difficult, frustrating days. When that happens they need someone to listen to them, not chew them up and spit them out.

Today I did exactly that to one of my best friends. I became the dragon that breathed fiery words down upon him and when he tried to explain I eviscerated him. He didn't deserve it. In fact, what he was doing was a rather noble, brave thing, but I was having none of that. My feelings were hurt. I wanted to kick something and he was there.

He barely defended himself and just walked away, a noble act in itself.

And now I am caught in that awful place where I want to take back all the meanness and hurtful things, but I am sitting here alone. I will apologize. I already have but I suspect it will take a while to really be forgiven and I understand that. 

I am truly sorry and it will be a long time before this happens again. At least I hope so. It is not one of my finer traits. Just one of my most ferocious horrible ones.