Teachers

 

Teachers come in all shapes and sizes, but some of them are more effective than others. 

The ones who teach by example, of course, are always the most effective and nobody sets a better example for me than Bestest and Baby. They are both calm, reasonable human beings who have a deeply loving soft side to them and I respect them both.

I've never lost my temper with Bestest. That would be unthinkable, like kicking a puppy. He always speaks from the child in him to the child in me. It is a remarkably unique relationship that serves us both well.

Baby, though, that is a different story. He is an adult, capable, rational and safe. Of course he has a soft sweet side, or we wouldn't be so close, but I know he can withstand my whole self. He is strong. I never want to hurt him or abuse our relationship, but I feel comfortable enough with him to be totally me without any censorship. 

It's strange how a good teacher instills a sense of security in me. I don't feel so afloat in this universe when I have someone to look up to and trust.

A sad tale

All the people who think I am ineffably sweet should have seen me today. Not that I'm proud of what happened. I am certainly not, but it did happen. I have a terrible temper. One that I have long learned to control under most circumstances, but once in a while I lose control of it and, like tonight, I am left suffering a deep regret.

My temper was trained and honed during a nearly thirty year marriage. My husband was the kind of person who knew exactly how to do the most hurtful things and then twist them afterwards. He usually did it smiling like he wasn't upset at all, except that he would turn bright red. He knew just how to make me feel frustrated and angry and totally helpless to do anything about it.

I almost never get angry anymore. I usually am able to see what is really going on and make adjustments for that. Understanding goes a long way towards keeping the peace, but once in a while I have one of those days were the old frustration bubbles up to the top and if I am not careful I can use words in the most hurtful way possible. I am good with words. They can be like knives on my tongue and if I lose control of my feelings I let them loose on undeserving people.

Most people are doing the best they can with whatever situation they are dealing with and they, too, can have very difficult, frustrating days. When that happens they need someone to listen to them, not chew them up and spit them out.

Today I did exactly that to one of my best friends. I became the dragon that breathed fiery words down upon him and when he tried to explain I eviscerated him. He didn't deserve it. In fact, what he was doing was a rather noble, brave thing, but I was having none of that. My feelings were hurt. I wanted to kick something and he was there.

He barely defended himself and just walked away, a noble act in itself.

And now I am caught in that awful place where I want to take back all the meanness and hurtful things, but I am sitting here alone. I will apologize. I already have but I suspect it will take a while to really be forgiven and I understand that. 

I am truly sorry and it will be a long time before this happens again. At least I hope so. It is not one of my finer traits. Just one of my most ferocious horrible ones.

Dragon Tales

Once upon a time, in a castle deep within the forest, there lived a Queen. She lived there all by herself, walking in the gardens and tramping along the forest trails and she thought she was quite happy.

Until one day, when cupping her hands to get a drink of water from a small pond high up in the mountains, she caught a glimpse of something she could not set aside.

She saw a man who seemed familiar to her and she was pretty sure he must be a King in one of the neighboring kingdoms, only she couldn't really place him there. He was handsome with sparkling green eyes and a smile that could charm the socks off anyone who gazed upon him. The Queen was quite taken.

But how could she find a man she had only seen reflected back at her from deep within the water? She wasn't sure, but she was sure she was going to try. Sending heralds out in all four directions only brought her snippets. He was talented. He was gallant. He was elegant. He was a true gentleman. No one could produce the king himself.

And then, one day, a herald brought her a note. It seemed to be from the King himself, but she had no proof. Still it was a nice note and so she wrote back. Soon she was corresponding with the note writer and she began to fall in love. His words were poetic and beautiful, wise and warm. The only problem was she still could not be certain he was her King.

They tried to get together, but something always came up. The ball was canceled. The King's valet was kidnapped and needed to be rescued. It seemed the Queen would never know if her note writer was the same handsome King she had seen in her vision.

Kings and Queens aren't like ordinary people. They can't just go knock on someone's door and say, "Hi, wanna grab a cup of coffee?" Because everywhere they go they must take an entourage and then there is always protocol, and security and so many other things. It seemed they both were doomed.

Until one day the King just jumped on his black stallion and galloped off towards the Queen's castle. And it just so happened the Queen was out perusing the boundaries of her kingdom on that same day. When the King's horse threw a shoe, the Queen found both horse and rider limping along a forest trail as the day was ending.

And everyone knows you can't leave a King alone in a strange forest at night, so she took him home and they spent the rest of their years exploring each other and validating that they really were the Queen and King who met deep within the waters of a mountain pond.

Homesick

 

I walked in the park until I thought I would drop today. 

All the time listening, waiting, feeling, opening myself to a universe so immense that I am not even a speck or a glancing spark in the light.

Still I had hope. Have hope. Because there were times when I felt your presence there beside me. How? I don't know. I don't even know how I knew it was you, but I did. 

Somehow you are a part of me that I have always known and now you have a face it feels twice as real. I cannot explain it.

And I cannot escape it. This pain that lies in the labyrinth around us is so real. I know if I could let go the pain might stop, but even when my mind lets you go, my heart holds on for dear life.

I know you feel the same way.

The irony of this world is that there are barriers every bit as real as the dragons and courts of old. They stand between us, inexorable bastions, rules, contracts, security. All those things that lay between a simple woman and a public man.

And so I walk in the park seeking the only recourse I have right now. It is not enough, but it is all I have.

Waiting

 

Waiting is hard.

People, especially women have been waiting since time began. Waiting for love. Waiting for babies to be born. Waiting for their men to come home. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And it never gets easier.

I would not risk the life of any loved one simply for the comfort of knowing when the waiting will end, but that does not make it easier either.

This waiting is a time of trial, of testing my love, of making my faith take over when nothing else is available, but my stomach still knots up, my mind still races, my heart still skips the occasional beat and although I know in the end all will be fine, I suffer.

Again and again my suffering has proved irrelevant. All is well and all will be well, so why do I let myself fall into this place?

Simply because I love you more than life itself.

I'd do anything for you, dear

 

Of course this is a line from a song, but how many people have said it only to prove it wrong later on? 

Human beings are fallible. 

We are like multi-faceted jewels. The light comes through us, glances off of us and sparkles, but in the dark none of that happens.

That is why it is so important to get to know each other, to reach out and sift through the characteristics and foibles that make each one unique.

I don't believe it is possible to make someone love you, or, really, to make yourself love someone. But I do believe it is possible to take good solid things and build them up into a love strong enough and secure enough to last a lifetime, if you really want to.

Gift from the angels

 

Everyone has feelings, but I believe I AM feelings. My DNA is composed of nothing but feelings, all rolled up and shaped to look like a woman. Constantly morphing, constantly being reshaped, constantly struggling with things other people take for granted.

I am sensitive to every breath and that can make me miss the big things, the important things, the things others assume are unmistakably visible.

Living with me or near me is a challenge. Even I know that. It is why I have been a loner so much of my life. You need a powerful ego and a great sense of self worth to be part of my life.

Yet there are four people who can weather this storm. People who know who I am, who understand me and are able to stand beside me through thick and thin. They are a gift from the angels. I give them credit for keeping me on this earth, for being willing to suffer the fall out of a woman who lives breath to breath.

Romantic tales and thoughts are fine, but they do not begin to approach the level of intensity of my life. I am seldom on the flat stretch. Every moment I feel the ecstasy of the pull upward, the tug of something coming, and then I plunge into the loss of that moment, losing everything! For a world accustomed to whipping around mountains and plodding through mud on a daily basis, this is incomprehensible. I am difficult.

So now I say thank you and send my heartfelt gratitude to those brave, steadfast souls who support and love me when I need it most.

It happens

Unfettered by ego he offers himself only as the man he is, without all his worldly adornments, a king wearing no crown, carrying no shield, standing alone, reaching for me.

I hurt him, turn away from him, deny him his identity and not once does he retaliate.

He only cries.

Eventually I hear him. 

Through all the chaos of a chattering world, I hear the one voice that has been speaking to my heart, perhaps forever.

And now we will stand face to face in the light, gazing into the truth of the other's eyes, a miracle of love's tenacity and power.

Key to happiness

 

There is a lot to be said for maturity. 

Not just a time for gray hair and old age, but a time of ripening, of getting to know yourself in profound and meaningful ways, of moving forward with wisdom and grace.

After years of experiences I know a few things about me that never occurred to me as a younger person. I know I tend to be dramatic and over feel things in the moment that really don't matter in the long run. I know that when I'm scared I can be mean. I know that I am capable of loving in the deepest way if I feel safe. I also know I'm lovable.

That last one is honestly a shocker to me, but it may be the key to happiness that has been lost to me until now.

Both my mother and my ex-husband seemed to delight in reminding me of how unlovable I really was. Both also loved me deeply at some points, in their own way, which makes this a particularly strong random reinforcement moment in my development.

For the first time in my life I have met someone who actually makes me believe I am lovable. That has not been a simple thing and neither of us takes it lightly. Where it will go from here is unknown, but I have high hopes that the key to happiness, now in my hands, will be put to good use.

Not doing

I am trying to rest my mind.

It isn't easy for me when I am this wound up and happy. When I was a child I often got sick just before we went on vacation, because I was so excited.

That sounds joyful, but it is really a kind of flaw.

Getting so caught up in something that you lose control is not healthy.

And so I am practicing my breathing.

Breathing in I smile

Breathing out I let go of everything that is in my mind and allow myself to float like a feather.

Breath work is sometimes the hardest not doing of all.

Happily ever after

Why can some people cross the bridge without being destroyed by trolls while others turn around and run, or fall over the edge, or find themselves eaten alive?

What is the fine line between happily ever after and utter failure?

Most of us face terrible trials and tribulations at different points in our lives, but only a very few find the fairy tale ending we all dream of.

Why is this?

I think it has to do with three things. First of all many of us try to run those rapids alone and the universe is just too big for us. There must be something to even the odds, like a partner. Secondly, that partner must  have the strengths we lack and vice versa. It makes us twice as strong when we are together. Thirdly, both people must be willing to sacrifice almost everything to achieve a common goal. There is no room for ego, or artifice. 

 

It takes absolutely everything to conquer fairy tale level challenges. That's why the ending is so sweet. Who hasn't tasted a sip of water when they are so parched they didn't know if they could swallow it? That sip is the best one they will ever taste.

Once you face losing the thing you love the most and prove you will die to keep it, no matter how long it takes, or how difficult the choices are, you are really in the story.

Then you have a chance at happily ever after.

Soulmate

 

Anyone who has followed my blog over the past twenty three years knows I tend to feel things in the extreme. If you don't live with me that might seem charming, but for most people it is way too intense. 

As a teenager I wanted to be intense, passionate, dramatic! Over the years I have tried to tone that down for so many reasons. First of all for those who do not feel that way it seems fake or put on. Secondly, it can be exhausting to live like that and even dangerous. It makes me vulnerable to unscrupulous people, so I've had to develop a skeptical side that is a little bit ugly in order to survive.

Now, after all these years I have found a kindred spirit. Another soul who is willing to be vulnerable enough to really know me. A person who understands my need to embrace my feelings and have mine embraced too. Being understood is a rare gift and a heady one.

When two people can come together, drop their egos, destroy all the walls and barriers, and pretense, they open themselves to a relationship that is beyond comprehension for most people. Actually I think it is an impossibility for most people, because it requires the faith, courage, and willingness to lose everything for something they have never even dreamed of before. 

But if it does happen?

Nothing in this world can compare.

Cherished

 

Words are just words to some people, but to me they are so much more. I revel in words. They are the outward pictures of what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing.

And yet words are not enough. 

When all is said and done a word can't put its arms around me, or place itself between me and what might destroy me. It can only hold up the possibilities for those things to happen.

I choose my words carefully and I know you do too. That's what makes us so perfect for each other. 

We have felt the battering of words against our souls. We know how exquisitely rare unbridled love is. We are willing to take down all the walls that stand between us and bare our most vulnerable selves to each other, knowing the other could destroy us.

But won't.

100

 

Today I reached a pretty impressive place. Not a goal actually, more of a dream and one that still has places to go.

I have lost one hundred pounds!

The quarantine took a woman who already loved to eat and told her to stay in, occupy herself in any way possible and not worry about the consequences. If she was healthy, that was all that mattered.

Except it wasn't and she wasn't.

Now, thanks to Bestest and Baby and their undying support I feel and look better than I have in years. Not only is my body recovering, but my ego and my soul seem to be on the mend.

A year ago I had pretty much given up. I was ready to just age and disappear. I felt there was no real joy in my future and no real goals either.

Today I am alive! 

That is a bit scary and a lot wonderful.

Dreams and nightmares

 

People, with the best of intentions, can make life unbearably hard for those they love. They want to protect their friends from being hurt, which is a noble cause, but I'm not sure it's a worthy one.

Sometimes the very act of trying not to hurt someone, hurts them even worse.

Everything in life is iffy in some way. It is the discernment with which we approach it that governs our decisions. If it feels right, it really might be alright. There's no guarantee of course, but it is possible.

In the end only looking back can tell the whole story, but while it's happening I have to weigh the joy against the agony and for me the feelings are usually extreme, so there really will be both joy and agony.

The past six weeks have been a roller coaster of feelings for me. I have lived the dream and it is even better than I ever dared to hope. I have also lived the nightmare and it hurts more than I ever dreamed possible. I have actually been through test after test, including a CT scan to see if that pain is real.

It's real, but it's evidently not something I can cure with treatments or medicine. 

Which one will triumph? The dream, or the nightmare? I still don't know, but it is looking more and more like it might be the dream.

Live the love

 

Stand by me.

It's more than a song.

It is strength, integrity, respect, and love, in action.

When it happens in spite of age, looks, or even actions that may not be particularly pretty, or desirable, it can be the most inspiring act ever committed.

People who can stand by someone else through the good times and the awful ones, are some of the greatest people in the world.

They do more than talk the talk.

They live the love.

Great sacrifices

 

I grew up on fairy tales and myths and it is so stirring to read of the magnificent sacrifices made by brave people for great things.

But now I wonder, how did those people feel? Because they did not know for sure that those sacrifices would yield the wondrous things we read about in black and white, on paper. It had to be an act of faith of some sort that drove them.

The grinding ache in the pit of their stomach must have been almost unbearable at times. The knowledge that their actions could end their life must have been agonizing. 

How did they pursue the goal knowing the real consequences that could follow their actions? Because I am pretty sure there are a million other stories that did not end as well. They seldom tell those. We want to hear the happily ever after tales, not the ones that end with the hero consumed by fire or torn apart by fate.

I've heard great things require great sacrifices, but I believe they also require great faith and incredible courage, and possibly a love greater than most of us will ever know.

Waiting

I tell everyone that waiting is not my strong suit.

I am impatient. I don't like to wait.

And yet I waited all my life for one thing.

Love

 

If there is one thing I believe most people truly desire, it is to be loved for who they are.

That seems like such a simple thing, a mundane thing really. Who else would they be loved for? Or perhaps a better question is why else would they be loved?

My experience is quite the contrary.

I find that many people love the reflection of themselves that they see in the other person's eyes.

And sometimes they just love a version of a person they want to believe is there.

There are so many ways for love to fall through, but when it actually manifests in its truest form it is something to behold!

And even more wonder-filled to experience.

Along the way

Gentle people are often the most vulnerable people in the world. Yet they can have a strength that surprises those who would take advantage of them.

Gentleness, kindness, good manners, all of these draw the unscrupulous at some time.

It is the way of the universe to test people, weed out the fakers, sort out those willing to walk the walk and talk the talk, and open themselves to the ultimate challenges.

There are no guarantees. There are no checklists to help verify any of this. 

It is strictly navigated through the heart and soul of each of us.

Hold

 

When I'm weary, feeling small it is the family of my heart that holds me up.

I know to do the right things, the tried and true things and even if they don't help, I know to keep on doing them, because eventually they will help.

There was once a time when I could not have done that, but the universe has given me a love few people ever experience and that holds me close.

I know the emptiness is only a facade. The richness still lies at the center and I have only to allow it time to surface. 

This is what I hold on to.

To navigate the dream

 

Finding the love.

Finding the humor.

Finding the way.

It is the only way to navigate the reality of the unbearably real.

Separation

 

You are the first place I go when something makes me smile and the first place I go when I need to be held.

But of course you do not exist!

I think you exist. I hold the teddy bear you gave me. I named him after you, you know?

I smell the flowers you sent me. They smell just as sweet now as they did then.

I remember the sweet taste of the truffles that melted upon my tongue on Christmas morn.

I remember you. My raison d'etre that carried me away.

Those long hours lying side by side on your bed. Me writing. You reading. How could they cease to be?

Us just sharing nothing was so sweet. All those dreams. All those plans. 

All this pain.

I think I know

 

I think I know.

I think I know so many things when in fact I know nothing.

What might be, or come to be is hidden along the way. 

Those secret loves once known turn out to be pipe dreams! Mere imitations of reality.

And only by letting them go do I make room for the real dream. 

I must be brave. And bold! 

I must let go without hesitation because what is mine will always find me

Unless I hide from it among the wishes and wants of a controlling mind.

I think I know.

And what I know is that no one knows.

Phantasm

 

I have begun walking in the park.

It is good exercise, they tell me, but I don't think that is why I do it.

I feel you near me here beneath the sycamores, where the wind touches my cheek and my ears listen for your steps. I imagine those are your fingers brushing up close to me. Your toes snapping smartly along the walkway.

Are you only an echo in my imagination, or is some part of you actually here?

I may never know.  Just like I may never know you, but I like to believe it is so.

Elusive lover who lives inside my head, you can be as perfect as I choose.

And though I may swoon over your sweet face and gentlemanly ways, you will never break my heart, or make me cry.

Except

Because

In spite of myself

I love you.

I will survive

 

I am seeking my place, that comfortable spot where I simply exist.

A place out of the limelight, away from the glare, where no one knows me and I don't care.

It was heady for a moment, running with those big dogs

Feeling proud and strong and powerful even. Thinking I was more than I am.

Losing track of humility is always a mistake because anyone can be hurt.

I have been. I am. I admit that, but it was the price of the call and I paid it willingly.

The conflict between joy and pain is so exquisite

And I will survive.

Happy New Year

Another new year and I ask myself, does it really matter? Is a year beginning, or ending, really any different than a year simply being?

We humans like to mark things, make them ours, lay claim to them in some way,  but the Way is long and more than winding. It is complicated by so many more things than minutes, or years. Those are human measurements.

I suspect the more ineffable measurements include acceptance, kindness, openness and vulnerability, and other things that create beauty, light, and good energy.

It feels very dangerous to open myself up to the experiences surrounding me and to do so with actual acceptance and true love is almost god-like, it is so difficult. 

I am certainly very far away from god-like. Every year it becomes more and more apparent that I am a simple woman.

And I am pretty satisfied with that.