Shining through

I remember having what my mother called growing pains.  They were intense leg aches that kept me awake and crying for long hours some nights.  My mother would rub my legs in an attempt to distract me, but I don’t remember it helping very much.

I tend to be a sort of loner.  The people I do associate with on a regular basis are mostly close friends and family.  Other people are simply part of the landscape that affects me, but doesn’t really touch me that much.

The problem with this is that close friends and family are not being brutally honest all the time.  I think they tend to be kinder and more loving, which believe me I really like!  However, everyone needs to know the truth and if acquaintances are discounted, close friends and family are the only resource for that.

As I come into what is probably the closest I will ever get to full maturity I find myself expounding more freely on what I think.  Then I spend hours rehashing those words in my head as if I can edit my life the way I do a story.  The problem being that once said, the words coming out of my mouth, or computer, are as good as carved in stone.  They have hit their target.  The damage is done if there is going to be any. 

I used to keep most of my opinions to myself, but lately I have noticed I am less reticent.  I suppose it lets the real me shine through.

But what if the real me is cruel or unkind or narcissistically focused on just my own self?  Whether that comes from the genes I was born with or the way I was brought up doesn’t really matter.  It is the actual behavior that counts.

Whatever it is and wherever it comes from I am finding it very painful at times.  I wonder if this is just another form of growing pains?