Mirror Mirror Very Small

A friend gave me a small mirror several years ago and told me I needed to learn to accept and love the person I saw in there. It was a very small mirror that mostly allowed me to see my eyes and nose and sometimes my mouth if I held it right. I learned to deal with that, but when my sister came to visit and wondered why I didn't have any larger mirrors around I tried to pawn it off as a lack of vanity.

Of course the truth was that I simply didn't want to see myself as others saw me, or as I perceived them seeing me. It really is a pretty hypocritical thing when I think about it. I look at you and I love you just as you are for what you are. It has nothing to do with your clothes, or your weight, or your skin tone. Most of the time I am blissfully unaware of these things in those I love. Why would I think you are any different?

I really hate the aging process when it boils down to how I look, but I do like who I am much more now than I used to. I now have a mirror hanging near my front door that I check as I go out, and sometimes even coming in. It still shocks me sometimes, but I am getting used to me. Much more so than when we took the kids to Disney World and I saw this woman standing in line near where I was. She was wearing an outfit just like mine, even carrying a purse like mine, but she was old and she was too heavy and I thought how dowdy she looked. It nearly ruined my vacation when I realized I was looking in a mirror.

I am part of that generation who wasn't going to trust anyone over forty. When I was sixteen, that is. Now I would love to be forty. When I was nearly forty eight I took a water class at the YWCA and one of the women referred to me as that little girl in the back row. Now I understand that. People in their forties often look very young to me. Older people still look old. I just don't realize that they are my age.

Most of the time I do not feel old and I am not a silver back with arthritic joints yet, but I am also no longer a girl. I am just at that awkward age when I am too old to be young and too young to be old and I guess I better enjoy it while it lasts, because experience has proven time and again that all things pass.

Now that I have a mirror in the front hallway I see what I am sending out into the world with my eyes and not just my head. It's a step towards reality and true acceptance, but sometimes it is really hard to look at that and be confident. Inside I am still trim, slim, tall and sleek with long dark hair and big eyes. Outside, not even close.

What I need to remember is that inside I am so much more than I used to be and anyone who doesn't care for that, isn't someone I should be hanging out with anyway. I want to be around people who keep me thinking and involved. I need to feel connected to people I respect and who I feel respect me. I need so much more than looks now and I need people who also need that.

So, I look in the mirror, then suck it up and brave this new real world of maturity because it can be really interesting. And I really have no choice.