The Question

Today I noticed that everything is raising my hackles. It doesn’t matter what it is, I perceive it as annoying, or threatening, or indicative of much more than it is in some way.

People don’t move fast enough when the light turns green and I think that there should be a test to see who is allowed to drive with other people in the car, or who should be allowed to talk on their phones when they drive. I see litter lying around and fantasize about fining people based on the percentage of their income in order to get their attention. I wonder if the dog is walking under my feet on purpose. It is a wonderful mix of anger, creativity, and paranoia that I recognize, but am not sure where it is coming from.

The first solution is to stay at home, inside. Of course that isn’t possible, so the flights of angry fantasy continue. Nothing works right. I catch the dog leash on the door knob, then on the staircase. I stub my toe on a crack in the sidewalk and later on a stick in the ground. I am clumsy.

I realize that I haven’t eaten yet today, or taken my medicine and when I go to do either there are clumsy mishaps. I am off kilter, out of balance.

My stomach is just a bit off, my digestive track is roiling, and I am exhausted, but when I decide to take a nap my body aches no matter which way I lie. And it finally dawns on me that maybe I am coming down with something. This should simply be an, “Aha!” moment, but it isn’t.

Now I need to decide if this is real, or if I am just looking for a reason not to do something I have committed to. The symptoms are real of course. They stem from either a real bug of some sort, or a mental bug that is trying to tell me I am off kilter.

I know that I am a bit off course. That is bound to happen every now and then. Trying new things is a necessary part of expanding my experiences and finding out where I belong. Not everything is always going to be the right thing for me. In fact, there is one volunteer job that I will be quitting as soon as my current obligations to it end. I’ve already let them know that and it is not a problem, but could it be this that is provoking me this much?

It could. I’ve never been very good at doing things I don’t like, or believe in. It is an annoying, but true part of being me. However, I am not the only one whose opinion matters and I agreed to do this particular job until the end of August, so I will.

If I am really sick. That would change everything, for tomorrow at least.

Arghh! Life! How complicated it can be sometimes.

You’d think that by my age I would have solved all these little inconveniences, but obviously I have not.