After The Candles Are Blown Out

People have an incredible need to spread bad news.

I went to one of my volunteering jobs this week and as we were going down the hallway one of the women mentioned that she had been talking to Mary Smith, not her real name. Still getting used to being here where I know so many people I exclaimed, "Oh, I used to play bridge with her years ago! She was married to Tom Smith, right?"

We only had a few steps before separating, but that woman managed to share Mary's affair with another man, her divorce from Tom, and how she had lived through a long debilitating disease with the new man before he had an unexpected heart attack while fishing one afternoon.

I know she had two children who must be grown up by now and probably has grand children too, but the main information this woman wanted to share with me was "Poor Mary's tragic life." Then she stepped out of my life and into her classroom.

What is it about doom and gloom that attracts people? It used to be called gossip. Now it seems to be material for reality television. The sleazier and sadder the news, the more some people seem to relish it.

I can remember being a teenager in college and longing to be part of life's drama, but after a few years of it, I realized that the drama is the smoke left after the candles are blown out. I prefer the fire and the light.

What's wrong with making the best of something? In my own life, even when things have been pretty bad, the good things still out weighed the bad and when I noticed that, I felt much better. People who swooped in and commiserated with me without urging me forward just made me feel weak and worse.

I love the hugs and sympathetic words, but I don't want pity and I can't imagine anyone else really wanting that either. At least not if they understand what pity is. Pity focuses on weakness. Love sees the weakness and helps find the strengths. There is a huge difference.

I tend to avoid "Sad Sams," those people who revel in sadness, but I am overwhelmed by the goodness of those who reach out again and again, helping others find their footing and move forward on their own.