I Like To Win

I am learning so much from Lennon. Those big blue eyes and blond curls are attached to a real live little boy and although he is learning the art of artifice all too soon, he still is just mostly who he is and I am humbled when I say I see a lot of myself in him. Not this me particularly, but the one I was essentially and maybe still have threads of holding on here or there.

He throws himself at me when we are playing and all thirty wiry little pounds of him can pack quite a punch. He plays hard! He likes to win too and thinks of himself as skilled and strong, which he really is for his age and size. Show him something new and he repeats it over and over and over. It is so obvious that he is hard wired to learn. I know when it is starting to really become a part of his repertoire when he begins to expand and play with it, using it in new ways and with new purpose.

People mostly see me as a quiet, loving woman and I am. Still, when I was younger I was not so quiet and not always so loving either! I also like to win and when I play I play hard. I remember pounding those tennis balls across the court, expecting them to land right in front of my opponent's feet. A hard place to return from and even harder if you under estimate the strength that sent them there. I might have been skinny, but I was strong! I am neither anymore, but I still play to win board games and word games and I would not want an opponent who did otherwise.

I am too quick to get my feelings hurt and I see that in Lennon too. Correct him ever so gently and he is crushed. It may not last long, but the instantaneous response is one of great personal sorrow. I also tend to recover quickly and now often discover that it was my perception that felt the reprimand, not the actuality of the act. I have learned not to respond too quickly in order to give myself time to reassess the words, or actions that seemed unfair, or harsh, at first. Lennon will learn some of these things from me but I am learning just as much or more from him.

In many ways it is very affirming to see my strengths and faults in someone so new and untouched by this world. It reminds me that I am just a child of the universe, still struggling along trying to learn from all the things that surround me. If I can look at myself with as much love as I do Lennon, the world will be a better place.