Find That Thing You Love

I think love is what keeps us alive. At least it is what keeps me alive. When I get into a place where I am only existing, paying the bills, going through the motions, I begin to get sick. I can't fool myself, not my real self. I know when I am not finding the love, not living in the light. I need to care about something deeply in order to thrive. That is what makes me too intense for some people. They want camaraderie and joking and I do too, but that only comes when I am truly relaxed and secure and comfortable. Otherwise I am like an over filled pool. I grow stagnant and murky and the passion becomes confused with neediness.

I prefer to be yielding and giving and over flowing. Feeling empty or needy is like being sick, heartsick if you will. I am a care taker. Not the get up with you in the middle of the night and rise at six to fix your breakfast type. When I do that you know you really have me hooked. I am more like I would die to give you the best life I possibly can type. I want to see you actualize yourself, find that thing you love and go for it.

When my kids were in school they often had really crappy jobs and I would tell them this was just so they knew what they did not want to do the rest of their lives. The job of young people, or anyone else who hasn't already done it, is to find something you love and find a way to make a living at it, or at least a way to live within the frame work of it.

I cannot think of myself as poor, not really. I say I am poor because by monetary standards I am right now, but when I consider doing something I never think of the money first. I think of what I want to do and then try to figure out how the money will appear. So far, it always has. I have been very fortunate to live my life doing the things I love. I realize not everyone can do that, but maybe they could if they really wanted to. Sometimes I think we bring situations into being that protect us from growing or taking chances. It is much easier to say I have to work than lets sit down and hash this real situation out. Putting myself out there where rejection is a very real possibility is the most frightening thing in the world.

Loving people means laying my heart bare when my breath is quivering. Imagine offering to help someone out. I don't want to embarrass them, or belittle them in any way. I don't want to take away any of their power and I really don't want them to do these things to me either. It is the challenge of living in the light and it sure isn't for the faint hearted.

I have a friend who has gone up to complete strangers and offered them help, or rides, or money, or even advice. She is so brave and true. I think of her when my spirit wavers.