To navigate the dream

 

Finding the love.

Finding the humor.

Finding the way.

It is the only way to navigate the reality of the unbearably real.

Separation

 

You are the first place I go when something makes me smile and the first place I go when I need to be held.

But of course you do not exist!

I think you exist. I hold the teddy bear you gave me. I named him after you, you know?

I smell the flowers you sent me. They smell just as sweet now as they did then.

I remember the sweet taste of the truffles that melted upon my tongue on Christmas morn.

I remember you. My raison d'etre that carried me away.

Those long hours lying side by side on your bed. Me writing. You reading. How could they cease to be?

Us just sharing nothing was so sweet. All those dreams. All those plans. 

All this pain.

I think I know

 

I think I know.

I think I know so many things when in fact I know nothing.

What might be, or come to be is hidden along the way. 

Those secret loves once known turn out to be pipe dreams! Mere imitations of reality.

And only by letting them go do I make room for the real dream. 

I must be brave. And bold! 

I must let go without hesitation because what is mine will always find me

Unless I hide from it among the wishes and wants of a controlling mind.

I think I know.

And what I know is that no one knows.

Phantasm

 

I have begun walking in the park.

It is good exercise, they tell me, but I don't think that is why I do it.

I feel you near me here beneath the sycamores, where the wind touches my cheek and my ears listen for your steps. I imagine those are your fingers brushing up close to me. Your toes snapping smartly along the walkway.

Are you only an echo in my imagination, or is some part of you actually here?

I may never know.  Just like I may never know you, but I like to believe it is so.

Elusive lover who lives inside my head, you can be as perfect as I choose.

And though I may swoon over your sweet face and gentlemanly ways, you will never break my heart, or make me cry.

Except

Because

In spite of myself

I love you.

I will survive

 

I am seeking my place, that comfortable spot where I simply exist.

A place out of the limelight, away from the glare, where no one knows me and I don't care.

It was heady for a moment, running with those big dogs

Feeling proud and strong and powerful even. Thinking I was more than I am.

Losing track of humility is always a mistake because anyone can be hurt.

I have been. I am. I admit that, but it was the price of the call and I paid it willingly.

The conflict between joy and pain is so exquisite

And I will survive.

Happy New Year

Another new year and I ask myself, does it really matter? Is a year beginning, or ending, really any different than a year simply being?

We humans like to mark things, make them ours, lay claim to them in some way,  but the Way is long and more than winding. It is complicated by so many more things than minutes, or years. Those are human measurements.

I suspect the more ineffable measurements include acceptance, kindness, openness and vulnerability, and other things that create beauty, light, and good energy.

It feels very dangerous to open myself up to the experiences surrounding me and to do so with actual acceptance and true love is almost god-like, it is so difficult. 

I am certainly very far away from god-like. Every year it becomes more and more apparent that I am a simple woman.

And I am pretty satisfied with that.

Attention

 

Why do human beings need attention so desperately?

What is it about us that needs to be recognized and known, appreciated and loved?

Why can't we be like the trees, tall and solid, stalwart and silent?

Or like water running gaily down life's way, rippling and sparkling without a care, or need, in the world?

I am like a flicker of sunlight.

When I'm happy my smile can light up a room, but the merest flicker of a shadow changes me completely.

Reality

 

No matter how desperately I wish  for some things to be true, they will never be so.

I cannot bring the dead back to life, or turn one person into another.

And sometimes I can't help loving someone who is not good for me, but that doesn't mean I hold onto them and turn a difficult situation into a worse one.

Reality really can suck. It can really hurt. 

But that doesn't change what it is.

Indiscernible

 

Along the way I am mingled and mixed with all the archetypes around me. I am such a small part of this universe, but I know my part is integral to the whole. Even the tiniest thought creates a stir in the atmosphere.

Saying who I am, what I am, is not always easy. It is much easier to get caught up in what I want to be, or should be, or what you want me to be, but those things don't last. The real me is a force as real as light and gravity, wind and water.  Not as large or powerful, but still with a certain amount of power.

You are the same.

We navigate the way thinking we are in control, but I suspect there is something greater here. Something that has a purpose no mortal will ever truly comprehend. Call it Fate, or Destiny, or whatever you like, but it is indiscernible.

In the end we are not much more than two little atoms bouncing off each other in the great expanse of space, but as long as I do it with you and with love, I am content.

Enchanted

 

The clock is chiming. Magic fills the air and every breath is enchanted.

Now is the hour little girls dream of and grown-ups know don't happen.

But it is happening.

Inside the chrysalis I am transforming. 

I look in the mirror and wonder if I am imagining it, but I look brighter, clearer, blissful. My eyes shine with love. Even my skin seems to glow.

This is a journey of mythological proportions and I am on it! I can barely comprehend that.

I have barely begun, but already I am stunned by the magnificence of you and me when we are together.

Courage

Imagine standing on the edge of a precipice surrounded by light. 

Joy is emanating all around me in waves so intense, so terrible, so awe fulfilling that even reaching out to take one tentative step is almost unthinkable. 

I am one breath away from the realization of my most profound dreams.

One moment away from disappointment that might destroy me completely.

Do I have the courage

To fall into this future that lies before me?

The eyes of love

 

Most of my life I have been with people I admired, loved and trusted, who seemed to need to denigrate how I looked. When it happened I accepted it as the truth. After all who was I to judge my own looks?

Lately I've had someone rave about my looks and a part of me finds it almost impossible to accept. They have nothing to gain by doing this, so I have been looking closer at old photos.

Firstly I believe that people who look through the eyes of love see things others do not, but at least three of the people from my past should have been doing that and they did not see me as lovely at all. Each one made at least one caustic comment that was branded on my soul and those scars are vivid.

I wonder why that was?

Because of this I have often looked at the so-called beautiful people and tried to figure out what made them so much more beautiful than I. Sometimes it is obvious. They are radiant. Other times I simply do not understand.

Whatever the truth, right now, thanks to a dear friend, I feel pretty.

Fairy godmother

 

If my fairy godmother suddenly fluttered into my bedroom one night and asked, "What is your fondest wish?" What would I answer?

Up until a month ago, I'm not quite sure, but now I think I would say, "I want to fall in love." Which is not exactly the same thing as being in a love affair, or even being loved. Neither of those are required to feel the overwhelming joy of simply loving another.

The fairy godmother would then turn on me and ask, "What is that worth to you? What sacrifices are you willing to live with in order to experience this love? Are you willing to risk your heart, because love like that can make you ever so vulnerable? Can you withstand the unbearable pain of that love not being returned, or lost, because there are no guarantees when it comes to another's heart? What is it worth to you to be blessed with that beautiful fluttery feeling of joy in every minute of every day, even for just a while?

These are not easy questions for someone who actually knows what a broken heart feels like. Trust and vulnerability are sacred parts of relationships and there really are no guarantees. But the greatest honors and greatest joys often require the greatest sacrifices.

"So what is your answer?" Asks the fairy godmother.

Happily in the now

 

Tis the season for magic and memories. Chick flicks abound with girls turning into princesses and Princes mingling among the commoners to find true love. I am not a fan of chick flicks. I don't believe in them.

Happily ever after has never been a theme in my life. 

I have struggled up some of the highest mountains only to find yetis living at the top. I have gazed into the center of the universe and found only myself looking back. Life, for me, has always ended up back on the ground finding joy in the moments, but knowing life is mostly what I make it. There have been no magic princes rushing in to save me.

I don't need saving. My life is beautiful just the way it is.

Reflections

 

I do everything in your name my love.

When I walk around the park, each step is a meditation in gratitude for meeting you.

My hands on the steering wheel of my car are just a reflection of what yours look like in your favorite auto.

Even the way I walk is an almost unconscious attempt to walk as you do, with casual forthrightness.

I speak of the light and that means the way you make my soul glow.

I smile at strangers and it is only a reflection of your smile.

While other people bow before their idols I only smile before your image.

You bring me a joy so terrible I don't know how I will survive it.

Along the Way

Lessons, just like adventures, come in all shapes and sizes and each one impacts us in different ways. 

I choose to carry the burden of these with me along the way, knowing their familiar weight, although possibly painful, is a reminder that everything simply is what it is.

I don't need to put any deep Machiavellian label on it. People do what they feel they must and that is simply the truth. My job is not to judge them or make their life harder.

My job is to take care of myself, to walk towards the light as honestly as I can and try to be a vessel of love along the Way.

Once upon a mystery

Over ten years ago I bought a little plaque that said, Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love comes along ... and brings you a fairy tale.

My life, in general, often has fairy tale overtones, both evil and miraculous. Life is what I make it. Not that I can turn sorrow into joy, but I can get through it and find the light that follows most storms.

That being said, I allowed myself to fall into the rut of thinking a plain ordinary life was all I can expect forever more and I was wrong! 

A mystery so huge I cannot even look at it too closely has come into my life. Within it lie treasures greater than any you might find in the dragon's lair, but it makes no promises. What fills me today must be enough and I must understand that fairy tales can crush you if they fall apart.

And still, in the way of fairy tales, it fills me so divinely that I would risk everything for any moment in this mystery. There will never be any regrets, no matter what happens.

Now

Changes and choices abound

And my job is to be here

Believing in the wonder

Trusting the universe

Absorbing the beauty.

Questions

Love makes the world go round, or so they say. Love is also such a diverse and complicated concept that I'm not sure we really know what it is.

Mothers love their offspring. That is probably as much about preservation of the species biologically as it is anything else, because some mothers are better than others and who is to calculate how their love is expressed?

The same is true for lovers. Without mating the species dies, but it is the quality of the life that surrounds mating that defines love for most people who consider themselves deeply in love.

I think that love, once the simple biological drives are excluded, centers around trust.

After being in a relationship for thirty years where trust was totally degraded, I know it is very hard for me to even think of trusting someone with my deepest feelings and my heart. My best friend has helped me with that. He is the one constant in my life. I know I can trust him. He is teaching me trust.

I thought I had reached a place where my life was totally stable. I never expected to deal with falling in love, again. There was much comfort in that, but now it is possible my world is tipping and it all boils down to trust.

Am I too damaged to dangle my toes in this?  Is the world too dangerous and full of pit holes for me to attempt to maneuver my way through something as complicated as love? Will I stay on the edge, carefully circumventing what might be the greatest experience of my life because I can't trust, or is that a valid response for someone in my position?

These are legitimate questions, some of the toughest I've ever had to deal with.

Intimacy

 

I love how you love me. 

Does that conjure up memories of a song? It does for me, but I have only had it said to me, personally, once.

Having someone recognize that my love for them is real and sweet and fierce, is a gift.  Such a person understands something about me others often miss, or take for granted.

It is a level of intimacy that makes my heart leap a little, because being understood is so amazingly rare.

Nothing feels better than being loved - except maybe loving.

The Impossible

 

Saying something is unlikely is a much more realistic way of looking at seemingly impossible things.

No one wants to be a fool, but to experience the so called impossible, one must reach out and take chances.

Friends will try to protect you and you need to hear what they say while doing what your own heart whispers. You can be cautious without negating an entire experience, because extraordinary things often require extraordinary daring and courage. There is almost always a sacrifice preceding the miracle.

The price may be a broken heart, but the prize may be living your wildest dreams. No one can decide that for anyone else. If you decide the risk is worth it, you accept the consequences.

I often dive in where no one else wants to go and each experience has made me stronger, wiser, and more joyful in the long run. 

You will never swim with the angels if you don't dive into the light.

Real people

 

I wonder how often people are more of a projection than a reality?

I imagine who you are, create visions of you, and fall in love with that.

Not a bad thing, but for love to last it must be based on reality.

You are not who I think you are, but who you think you are. I want to learn to see that.

It terrifies me when I realize the reverse is true.

What a responsibility I am. My feelings, my actions, my thoughts, are all as important as the shirt I put on, or the pounds I take off. I can hide from anyone, even myself, for a while, but in the long run the truth bleeds through and it has to be enough.

It is enough.

Nothing can change that.

Getting to know you

 

Getting to know people is both fun and stressful for me. My first instinct is to try and impress them, but I think that is why so many marriages fail after a number of years. Living to impress is a time consuming, energy sucking process that eventually dissipates.

Do I dare to be myself? Do I even know who that is? I was brought up to be a chameleon, a creature who anticipates your every need and fulfills it as quickly as I can. Fortunately, I am aware of this and I've had a long time to figure out who I am.

I am not great at anything, but I am more than passably good at many things. A jack of all trades, if you will, and master of none. I am in awe of people who have excelled at something. People who have creative careers. People who have written books, or seem to have an immense education coupled with kindness. But, like most people, I like people who like me!

There's nothing wrong with that, but it just cannot become a life's work. Trying to be liked is not a goal worthy of a whole life. 

What is worthy?

Serenity, kindness, gratitude, basic human goodness. Not a facade, but the real thing, a deep abiding being that is not perfect, but is as perfectly honest as possible.

The gift

 

Every diet program starts out talking about making lifestyle changes and I read that like people read everything they are forced to read for their own good. 

Quickly and with a grain of salt.

For some reason I always believe I am different.

It was the same way when I went to counseling. They say it is only possible to change yourself, yet I honestly went for validation that he was wrong. I wanted him fixed!

And then one day, at the end of my divorce I found myself in counseling with a very wise woman who asked me why I was there and in the ensuing twenty weeks I began a healing process that has continued for nearly twenty five years now.

I have finally realized that dieting is the same process. I started watching what I ate seventeen months ago when I came out of the Covid quarantine as a grossly overweight, type two diabetic woman. I've lost weight before, but always gained it back as soon as I reached my goal. I had a million reasons and excuses. Many of them valid!

I realize this is a lifestyle change that must not stop. At my age there are not going to be a lot more chances to stay healthy. I have lost almost a hundred pounds. I am walking more every day and I am feeling years younger.

I am treating my food addiction with a sort of modified AA mentality. My mantra is not, make me skinny. It is, I want to be healthy. Learning how to live in a world where food is everywhere and a daily challenge has a learning curve.

The fact that I realize all of this, at last, is a gift.

Be you

Be who you is . . . 

Except when you want to be someone else.

Then Role Play!

There is nothing wrong with trying out different personas, as long as you know the difference between pretend and reality.

A rich fantasy life can add a twinkle to your eye and tons of fun.

In a way this is who you are too.

Truth

 

They say the truth is in the telling, but I think it goes deeper than that.

Truth is the only fabric that holds up over time. When someone starts snipping the threads, a whole relationship becomes weaker.

That's okay if it's a one night stand, a chance meeting of two strangers, or even the occasional connection of two souls in the night.

It's not okay when I begin to weave a tapestry that might frame my life.

Little moth holes become gaping flaws over time and what was once a thing of beauty becomes painful to look at, not something I want to hang on my wall.

Not impossible to repair, but time consuming and delicate.

Adventures

 

Adventures come in all shapes and sizes.

Some fit in your pocket and some in a backpack.

A few only fit in your imagination.

But they are all valid

And they all require daring, trust, and wisdom.

Leave out any one and an adventure

Becomes a fiasco.

For Real

 

I really believe in positive affirmations.

I honestly do not believe in superstitions.

And yet, my life takes twists and turns most people would never believe.

I dream and sometimes my dreams come true.

I wish and my wishes appear as if by magic out of thin air!

Whether it is simply good luck, or my attempt to be real I may never know.

Either way my heart overflows with gratitude.

Mnemomic

 

Mary's virgin explanation made Joseph suspect upstairs neighbor.

A mnemonic.

A way to remember the planets only I can't remember who the E stands for.

I think Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, Neptune

Who is this E?

I actually have to google it!

Isn't that the way of our world?

In the cleft

 

In my dream I live in a house up on a hill. Behind me is a huge cleft in a cliff and in that cleft are many many rooms.

Each room is something special. So special that other people come to visit and I allow them to go in. Some rooms have magnificent clothes in the closet, all for the taking. Others have unimaginable treasures like real babies in cribs awaiting parents, beautiful dolls, amazing pets. The furnishings are exotic and beautiful. Anything anyone can dream of is in that cleft somewhere and all you have to do is go in and take it.

It is yours.

But at the end of every day I have to go in myself and clean up. Everything has returned to the rocks, wood, water, atoms that they came from and I must throw them into the well to dispose of them. I throw in big dead fish, dried up clothing, ashy rocks.

Nothing is left in those magical rooms in the cleft until the next morning when it is once again a wonderland of joy and treats.

Mine, or yours, for a day, for one moment in time, and then recycled back into what they are made of, where they came from.