Anxiety

If I needed a barometer of my feelings it is my blood pressure.

Better than litmus paper or thermometers, or scales, or mood rings, my blood pressure tells the story of my real feelings in real time.

I can control my breath. I can do exercises that make me look and sound completely at ease, but take my blood pressure and get the real picture.

Years of meditation and breathing have allowed me to go to sleep relatively quickly when I go to bed, My dreams are even lightning up lately. I have been dreaming that I'm laughing and having a wonderful time here and there. There have been fewer dreams of being lost in a dark city, or in a confusing maze that keeps me from going home to my family.

But when there is anxiety during my waking hours it is harder to deal with. For example: I transferred the amount from my only credit card to a zero percentage one if I pay it off in fifteen months. That means I have to pay off a small amount of the old credit card after the transfer before I can relax and just pay off the new one. I know this should all work out just fine, but waiting for the transfer and the first payment has been dragging on for over two weeks and it is taking its toll. 

If I needed proof that I do not have my anxiety totally under control, this is it. One thought about it creeping in when I take my blood pressure and it can soar from a top number of 108 to 156! Everything I am doing should make my life simpler and healthier in the long run, but getting there has been tough.