Coping mechanisms

 

In times of trouble the people who really matter in life become more apparent. Like a lantern in the night they shine through the darkness giving me a point to focus on besides my problems.

There was a time when I would not have turned to anyone for help. I was taught that asking for help was a sign of weakness. It meant I was vulnerable and open to even more problems if I let it be known. 

Now that I am older, perhaps I am a bit wiser, or maybe I am just more desperate, but I do try to seek help when I need it. Knowing where to look can be the hardest part. 

My Muse is one of the safest places I know and somehow he always manages to make me feel better. Last night he sweetly listened to me playing my keyboard and I was surprised by how much better I felt afterwards. Music has been one of my coping mechanisms for my entire life, but it is a strange one.

I have a terrible performance phobia and yet, if I play with my headphones on so nobody else can hear, It really doesn't work for me, I don't feel better at all. I need that invisible audience I had when I played for the nursing home over the intercom system, or when I played in the dining room growing up with the windows open so people walking by could hear. I guess I like to be heard, but not held accountable for any mistakes and I make more when people are listening.

Knowing that is a step forward.