Conjunctio

 

I had no thoughts about my body as a child. I knew I was big and strong and actually probably thought I was bigger and stronger than I really was, but not as an adult. Once I was married I became insanely conscious of my body, keeping it sometimes twenty pounds below what is natural. And, of course, the more I fixated on this, the more problems I had with it. Eventually packing on over a hundred extra pounds. 

Why? That's complicated, but the bottom line is that I eat to fill emotional voids, not my stomach and those voids can be unending. 

This time when I lost weight, my body did not snap back the way it once did. That has been hard to deal with.

When I, around age 14, was a candy striper volunteer at the hospital, I had the sensation of looking out my eyes as if I were in a shell peering at the world outside. In that moment I knew the real me was separate from this body. That experience was brief, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

My real me, my soul, or whatever it is that I am, is still much the same as always. I have always lived on the edge of reality. That is why I love being creative. I would like to tap in on this feeling that there is so much more to life than people understand right now. 

I think we are creatures of light and energy who barely know our capabilities and most of us wear out our bodies long before we figure out what to do with them.