Anxiety

In the beginning there was this feeling.

It had no name. In fact, I wasn't even aware that it had bored itself deep into my brain and was eating away at me.

I had no idea that it wasn't part of everyone, that not everyone lay awake long into the night thinking about things, but it wasn't long before I began to suspect that it was a flaw.

After all, if the authority figures in life appear to be flawed, that is wrong. Right? Where did I put my trust? What were the real absolutes in life? Scary thoughts for a three year old and so I lay awake pondering in my own small way, what the truth was. And I became a noticer.

If I just listened hard enough, looked close enough, learned everything I could, then surely the truth would eventually stand out. I knew not everyone felt this way.  People could be the voice of reason and they could be maddeningly ignorant with no desire for ferreting out the truth. That I did not understand.

That was the tear in the fabric, the place where that feeling got in, and it's still there. Now I know it is called anxiety, a feeling that the world is full of change and no one authority figure will ever have all the answers. Only the ability to sit back and observe, to study, and to experience new things with an open mind and loving heart will allow the world to change in peaceful and productive ways.

Until that becomes common place, anxiety will haunt me.