Courage and fear

I was born afraid. There are family stories of my younger sister rushing out and doing things gleefully that I was afraid to do. Partly because I had been told not to do them and I was also obedient, but partly because I really was afraid.

I was afraid of dogs and death, doctors and the unknown, and going to heaven alone all before I was three. I was afraid of being disobedient, of my mother and father dying, of being lost in a city, of people hurting me, and of fire. I have always been terrified of fire.

I was so ashamed of being afraid and I was even afraid to be afraid.

People like me find ways to cope and I cope with fear by diving into it. So far that has served me well, because once you are in the middle of something you have a different perspective and you do things you probably never thought of when that fear was something vague and in the future. I am a pretty decent reactor under stress.

Except with dogs. Sometimes dogs paralyze me. I had a dream when I was very very young that I was torn apart by white pigs. I still remember their red mouths and I think part of me associates that with dogs and wolves and bears and other wild creatures who are stronger and wilier and toothier than I am.

I'm still working on dogs, but most of my other fears are faced by going out and just doing what needs to be done.