The true walking dead

I find there are so many things in life that I don't know, or didn't know, about until it was too late. Things that maybe I wasn't ready to hear at the time my mother, or aunts, or older friends might have wanted to share them, but mostly I think we just don't talk about those things in our culture.

My sister often comments that our grandmother said when people ask how you are you tell them fine, because they really don't care and honestly don't want to know. Experience has proved her right many times.

However there are things I do care about and do want to know and people gloss over them with silly smiles, or pretend contentment, or Facebook hearts and smiley faces when the truth would open the door to some truly meaningful and perhaps deep conversations.

I come from a family divided between teachers and geriatric caregivers of many sorts, so you might think I would know a lot about aging, but I don't really. As a child of ten I spent a lot of time talking to the ladies in the Guest Home and learned so many wonderful stories, but grandmas don't share much else with children, especially other people's children.

Now I want to know, what is it really like to be old -very very old - and still have an alert, inquiring mind? We focus on dementia, but perhaps there are things worse than dementia - like a lively, curious, hungry mind trapped in a body freezing up and becoming more and more isolated.

I remember my grandmother lying in bed, unable to move or speak while her television spewed religious shows and cartoons into her room twelve hours a day. I felt horror for her then.

I am terrified for me now. It must feel like being a novice DEAD person. You are practicing not being there while you still are and now instead of interesting people discussing wonderful ideas with you, you listen to people who have nothing in common with you except that you are both human, gossip all day like you aren't there. Gone are the fascinating books if you don't have a way to read them, and the wonderful movies, if you cannot hear them. Long are the hours when you no longer have access to your old hobbies and the freedom to get in a car and just go, or walk in the woods unless someone chooses to take you.

People take care of your body.

But what about your mind?

It's all that's really left.