Flying free

Accepting me for just who I am is not easy.  I always want to be better, more focused, perfect!

It's an ongoing problem, one I know is futile.  I am happier when I don't think about it.

Part of me wants to be out front, center stage, raking in admiration and awe.  The other part wants to walk through life unnoticed, protected by the shadows that hide my flaws.

I spend a lot of energy and angst trying to deal with all this. 

Hyper-vigilant - I can pull off the me I find tolerable, but it is wearing and comes at a cost.  Striving for perfection does not really bring out my better side.  I become cranky, moody, picky beyond belief.  Nothing really pleases me, or makes me happy after a while.

Laid back and open is so scary I really only feel safe with one person and even then I have moments of fear.  I weigh in so far below where my beloved role models seem to be that my self esteem is as fragile as the gossamer wings of a butterfly on a hot summer's day.  With that one person I am more relaxed and freer than I have been my whole life -- I am happy.

Part of me knows that if this is true, then I should give up all the pretensions and just be the happy me, but my darker side says if I do this something very bad will eventually happen.

So . . . life becomes a continuous struggle where I find myself flying high and free and then panic, much like someone afraid to swim in deep water, and force myself to land before I fail.

Lately I've been flying longer than usual.