Needs Verses Neediness

I am a loner. I need lots of time alone if I am going to do the things I do best, but I do enjoy being with people. Mostly, though, I enjoy being with them one on one. I like to really pay attention to the person I am spending time with. Unfortunately that can’t happen here very often. It’s a long drive for my family and friends and they come in groups because of that. I still love seeing them and having them here. I just don’t feel like we really get enough personal time.

Some people thrive on crowds. They don’t want things up close and personal. They prefer to be doing something, even to the point of talking on their phone while visiting with their friends. I don’t understand that, but I can believe it is what they want.

Comfort levels vary greatly. I love cuddling Lennon and I have known two people I can actually sleep so close to that we share breaths, but on the whole, I prefer a nice foot, or two, between me and most people, most of the time.

I believe it is okay to ask for what I need, but I think it is important to distinguish between actual needs and simple preferences.

I see older women, and men too, who say things like, “I need someone to help me do this or that. I just can’t do it by myself.” Often they only mean they cannot do that one task, or perhaps they really mean they are lonely, or afraid of being alone and use neediness to draw people in.

The only problem with this it that eventually someone uses that neediness to start taking control of their lives and before they know it, they are living out someone else’s needs and whims, and they are miserable. Older people are especially vulnerable to this. Uncle Amos doesn’t like to cook and his son translates this into, Dad isn’t capable of cooking and pretty soon the son’s family moves in with him and takes over the house, or simply ships him out to a nursing home. A little extreme perhaps, but not really, it just takes a while for it to happen, so no one really notices, especially Uncle Amos. Until it is too late.

I think it is important to know what my needs are and then to find a way to communicate them as clearly and directly as possible.

Once someone else starts controlling my life, it loses most of its value to me. Extending my life by forcing me to eat things I don’t like, taking away my privacy and making it impossible to go and do what I want to, is simply torture. Why would anyone do that to someone they love?

If my actions do not hurt anyone else, allow me to continue on to the end. Absolve your own conscience by knowing it is what I want.