Learning To Finagle

A mother tells her toddler to stay away from the fire. He knows she doesn’t want him near the fire, but he at first he forgets and later on he needs to test the boundaries.

Mother’s response to his actions now become some of the most important ones she will ever make. Every single time he approaches that fire, she needs remove him from the area, repeating her warning. There are no exceptions. She may add that it is hot, or he might be burned, but the first words out of her mouth need to be, “stay away from the fire” and they need to be immediate and calm as she pulls him away.

If she is busy, or tired, or otherwise occupied and does not stop him, he will believe, and rightly so, that he must stay away from the fire only if she makes him, because that is the truth in her case.

A fire is dangerous, so most people can understand the need for this behavior, but what about requests for candy, or toys, or privileges? Most children do not seem to be in mortal peril from begging, or whining, or not following simple rules, so it can be easier to give in than following through.

The only trouble with this is that eventually the parent becomes tired of giving in and how is a child supposed to know when that is? When does a rule become important? The third time? The tenth time? Maybe even the one hundred and tenth time when mother has a melt down and begins yelling and screaming? This mother has taught her child that persistence pays off. Rules are simply an inconvenience. The odds are in his favor, so why should he bother to pay attention?

You don’t want that.

It’s a miserable way to live, for both mother and child. It’s confusing too. How does he learn which rules are really important, which things are really dangerous? He will spend the rest of his life thinking he can have anything he wants as long as he can finagle around whoever gets in his way.

I don’t remember learning to walk, or talk. They are simply a part of who I am. Parents have a responsibility to teach their child how to live with and relate to other people and problems the same way. Some things are up for grabs, but some behaviors are simply not acceptable. Showing a child which is which and how to deal with them is a gift.

Remember that a parent’s rules should be carefully considered. Child rearing is not easy, but if I had to state one rule I lived by it would be this. I tried never to say what I did not mean and always follow through on what I did say. If it isn’t worth following through on, it isn’t worth making it a rule. Think about this before hand, because childhood sets the pattern for a lifetime of living.