Wisdom

Sometimes I feel very old and wise and sometimes I feel exactly the opposite.

By second grade I knew teachers didn’t really want in depth answers to their questions. They preferred cut and dried little phrases right out of the books. I found that odd, even then.

By seventh grade I knew girls were not supposed to be smarter than boys and I dumbed down enough to quit the chess club.

By freshman year in college I was totally caught up looking for the right husband, my excitement in becoming an architect, or archeologist having been swept aside by the information that these areas were not for women who ever wanted to have families. Looking back, I suppose that if my desire had been great enough, no one could have talked me out of it. At least that is true for me now.

By the time I had been married, raised children and left a thirty year relationship I really wasn’t much wiser. I was still at the point where I thought, at a fundamental level, my life had to revolve around another person’s in order to be whole.

Once I finally realized I was unhappy and only I could really change that, the journey towards wisdom accelerated. The proof being, I was able to make some excruciatingly difficult decisions and follow through on them.

No more blaming anyone else for my feelings. Instead I slowly began to embrace this woman who is me and allow her to do things because she wanted to, not because of the way it would affect anyone else. Little by little, I am going back and allowing myself to be me, to explore all the nooks and crannies in my own life, to learn to love me as a whole and distinct person who is alive and well.

It is not always easy. There are still humiliations and mistakes, only now they are all mine to admit to and shoulder the responsibility for. But! There are also incredible adventures and joyful moments like I have never experienced before.

And this is where the wisdom shows up. Now, once upon a time begins with me. It has always been that way, I just didn't understand