Swallowed Whole

It is difficult to swallow pride. No matter what it is coated in, it just never goes down easily.

All the sweet little sayings that tell me how noble it is; feel more like inconsequential lumps that stick to my tonsils and cause my natural gag reflex to work overtime.

It is one thing if I am a natural sand bagger. One of those people always trying to get by without pulling my share of the load. Then, pride swallowing becomes just another part of the theorem I use to propagate the idea that I am worthy of so much more. It isn’t real. It’s an act.

It is something altogether different if I am doing my best to make things work and finding myself thwarted at every turn. The situation is already frustrating. And if it is actually work that is causing the problem, meaning not enough of it, or not enough money made doing it, then I begin to suffer from the stress and problems that stem from that too.

Not enough money, not enough food, or the right kinds of food. Not enough money, no medicine, or medical treatment for problems until they become painful and huge. So now I am working, feeling bad, worn down and in a rut that starts to look impossible to get out of in this frame of mind.

For me to have to ask for help, to go to someone I respect and ask for money, maybe let the whole world see that I am not making it, even knowing that they will understand, is so hard.

Yet, I’ve seen people who love someone so much they will put themselves in this position. People who wrap all that love around their pride and swallow it whole in order to care for loved ones.

They have no idea how much I love and respect them. They are my heroes.