Write!

I sat out in my back yard for quite a while today. Sitting is a good thing to do when I'm not sure how I am feeling. I am pretty sure that nothing else would be as productive. Lying down just opens the door for darker thoughts. Lying down to me means bedtime, something that I have never looked forward to. I don't know why.

But doing nothing? That I can relate too and today I wasn't really doing nothing. I was railing at God. "Why am I up here on this mountain? What exactly are you thinking of?" That is pretty much the gist of it.

I have heard about Conversations with God. I have been around people who think it is great and it is not so great. Since I haven't read it, I don't know. I have my own conversations with God. Sometimes telling him/her I am not sure I even believe in her/him and other times just throwing all my stuff at his feet (preferring to think of Him as some divine Father for personal reasons.) Conflicted times call for honesty, especially with a God who is supposed to be all powerful.

Sometimes, in the past, I haven't felt like I received any answers at all, but not today. Today I heard, "I put you here to write. So write!" Wow, couldn't have been any clearer. I truly almost laughed when those words popped into my head.

I want to write, but I've been in a slump. Ever since my main character's son died, I haven't been able to go on. Nothing changed in this moment. I couldn't think of anything to write most the rest of the day. Then about four thirty I became very ill, so nauseous that I went to lay down. My mind was okay, just my body was ill, so I put Mindwalk into my VCR and listened to the words as I lay there trying to breathe through this until it passed.

About forty five minutes later I saw one of the most unlikely characters in my story crawling up a cliff and I knew what was happening! I've been writing ever since.