Noticing

For the first time in my life, I am noticing that I am old. The promise of tomorrow does not illuminate my window right now. I have reached the point where no matter what I do, I am beyond youth. Not that I ever really clung to any youthfully needy ways. I never wanted a face lift, or wrinkle remover, but maybe that was because I didn't need it.

It used to be that if I wanted something, I just figured out how to get it. I have learned that it is possible to get things one should not have and when that happens, it just makes everyone miserable in the long run. Well, at least it can make me miserable.

I always seemed to feel very young compared to those around me. Partly because I tended to hang out with older people, but now I am mostly around younger people. I am around loving people, but with love comes responsibility to do the right thing, more than the thing I want. Maybe that is a new concept too, I hope not, but it kinda feels like it.

So, for today, maybe just for today if I am lucky, I am feeling old and kind of hopeless, which is different than depressed. Depressed is a cloud. Hopeless is staring in the mirror and knowing I will never be twenty again, or thirty, or forty.... It is just reality.

Don't worry, though. I tend to be an optimist. Maybe tomorrow reality will run away....