Primal Fear

Irrational fears are the worst kind. How do I get over something I realize is ridiculous to begin with? All my life, fear of being ridiculous has made me look brave. I can do whatever I must do...

Except really get over my worst fears. What are they? I am horribly afraid of spiders, snakes and worms. Not because they might be poisonous, or might bite me, but because they move silently in oddly disturbing ways that just tweak some primal part of me. I am afraid of dogs only when I think they might bite. Otherwise I adore dogs, even sleep with one!

My brother lost a huge wolf spider in our house when we moved to the country in 1962 and I have had spider dreams ever since. Snakes? Other than being surprised by one as a Brownie Scout at day camp, I don't believe I had a truly bad experience until a few years ago when I stepped into a nest of them while mowing my yard in Nokomis, Illinois. They were everywhere that year, but not in the house. In Taylorville I had slugs all over the outside of my house and occasionally inside. They may be snails but my psyche regards them as worms and I am terrified of worms. My sister used to chase me with them and I would refuse to come home as long as she stood there with the worm in her hand. I can garden, but it requires wearing gloves. Here I have wolf spiders, big scary looking, leaping wolf spiders, but I deal with it. Not easily, but I do. The other day I found an earthworm curled up by my desk and called Bobby. He laughingly asked, "Do you require assistance removing him?" I did.

Tonight I almost lost it. I opened the door to let Chauncey out now that I have retrained him to go outside. Looking down I saw something long and sinuous on the door step. I went and got my glasses, turning back to see it moving into my living room! I cannot describe the horror I felt. I grabbed my phone and inadvertently turned it off in my panic. Waiting for that phone to reboot was horrible. The worm kept coming farther and farther into my house. I had no idea they could move so quickly. Then another one started to come in over the door jamb and by the time Barbie answered the phone a third one was coming! I was barely coherent as I asked if Bobby was home and found out he had gone in to work. I told her worms were coming into the house and I think she said, "They aren't moving too fast are they?" That didn't even register with me. It might as well have been rattle snakes dropping off a cliff into my boat. I could not have been more terrified. I asked if she was afraid of worms and she said no, but then I realized she could not leave Lennon upstairs alone and I could not cross that threshold flanked by writhing worms! I told her I would deal with it and I am sure she thinks I am a little nutsy.

I got a curtain rod and used it to push them back outside and that was horrible too. There was a small mass of them then, all tangled up together outside the storm door and one more trying to come back my way underneath the door. I called my brother in Illinois, who always manages to rescue me in some way and he said to try salt like I did for slugs. If that didn't work, I should call him back. I poured the rest of my kosher rock salt into the area between my screen door and wooden threshold. It will probably ruin the wood, but I honestly don't care. I closed the big door, turned on the lights and have kept a watchful eye on it for the past five hours. Nothing more has come through.

I put a puppy pad back in the bathroom for Chauncey because I can't open that door. I imagined all those worms trying to save themselves from drowning and when I opened the door they immediately followed the light into what they thought was salvation only to be shoved out and threatened with dehydration. They have done nothing wrong and I feel awful about this, but I can't help it. Watching them come crawling into my house like some sort of alien invasion from purgatory was more than a nightmare for me. I have tried all sorts of ways to get over it, but my blood pressure is still out of whack, I have hives and my body is itching all over. I was hungry but when I made toast a part of the bread didn't toast properly and the soft rubbery texture was so gross I was almost sick before I threw it away. I feel weepy and sick and completely annoyed with myself.

I finally opened the door a minute ago and peeked out. One poor long earthworm got caught and was killed by either the salt or the door. Bobby will have to remove his body tomorrow. I cannot do it. In fact, I don't know if I can actually open it up and step over the place where I last saw a pile of writhing worms trying to slither in here.

Totally irrational. Crazy even. But reality.