Once Upon A Time

I do not want your permission to do anything in my life. It is my life and all the decisions are mine to make. Right or wrong, I am an intelligent adult who can stand on her own two feet and give as good as she gets. Anything less than this would make me ashamed of myself.

Having said all of the above, I prefer not to do those things that cause confrontations. One more reason I don't want anyone I need to ask permission of when I do, or don't do, something. Having to justify an action is stressful. Worrying about having to justify it is even more stressful for me. I am a worry wart from way back. All this not worrying I force myself to do is a learned response to the truth, but when I am asleep things can creep back in and stir up trouble.

There is a part of me that grew up in the years when young girls believed that if only their bodies and faces were pretty enough and the world was mean enough to them, a knight in shining armor would gallop in and carry them away to nurture them for the rest of their lives. I haven't believed that in a very long time and if I did, I would wonder what kind of man wanted a woman he had to rescue and then take care of forever and ever, because she was too weak to take care of herself. I suspect it would be the kind of man who needed to rescue young pretty girls to feel good about himself and that would raise another whole story out of the ashes.

Anyway, the part of me that ever believed in such fairy tales was shed a long time ago, but it does hold an allure. How nice it would be, sometimes, to be able to curl up into a lap bigger than me, knowing I didn't have a care in the world, that everything was all taken care of. How nice it is when people who know me say good things about me. I want to hear those things. I want to believe them. They are as close as I get to that lap we grown-ups know does not actually exist, at least not on this plain.

And so life goes on, paradox after paradox and the wanting and believing weave themselves in and out of the reality until sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between them. That is what I call dreams and sometimes they are so sweet.