I Wish

I wish I understood what makes some moments in my life so easy, so simple. These are the times when it is no big deal to brush my teeth, pluck my eyebrows, cook something to eat. They can even be the times when mowing the lawn is just that and not a chore. I have had more of these moments here in my new home than I have had in a long time. I have vacuumed and mopped like the person I was when I was twenty. I have brushed the wee beasties and washed their eyes in the morning without it being a huge deal. I even manage to get dressed when I am not going out to shop, or having company, sometimes.

It is the very act of doing these things that makes me realize how different the other part of my life is. I cannot put my finger on what it is that makes these same things almost unmanageable the rest of the time. Sometimes I can stay up all night, washing dishes, dusting furniture, playing the piano and then sometimes I sleep almost straight through a day, a night and another day.

It does not feel manic and depressed. It feels normal and very tired. I appear to function because I have long years of experience doing the "right" things out of fear that I will be criticized, or not excel. That need of mine to be at the top has probably served me well, keeping me from being at the very bottom. Most things come easier for me than other people when it comes to learning or remembering, so I am labeled a bit eccentric instead of lazy.

I don't think I really care so much what I am called anymore, but I would like to find a way to stay in the good place where I have the energy to cook an omelet rather than eating a sandwich just because it is too hard to crack the eggs.