I notice that I am coming together, as if the parts of my life are finally knitting themselves into something recognizable and it is not a shroud which I am actually very grateful for.
I don't know how I got to be who I was. I don't know if it was genetics, or upbringing, or just my nature, or a few traumatic events, but I have lived most of my life in fear of something. Fear that I would do something wrong, or had done something wrong. Fear that something bad would happen soon. Fear that disappointment was always waiting just around the corner to drop on me like some giant spider whose primary purpose was to keep my life in constant upheaval.
Whether or not these became self fulfilling prophecies, or whether they were learned responses I may never completely understand, but what is important is now. Now. Right now. I am in a place where I feel safer and more content than I can ever remember being, even as young as three years old.
Some signs of this are my two blogs. One was for the present and the other originally was started as a sort of shrine, but now the two have become the same. That tells me a lot, because I am a writer. Writing defines me better than anything else I know and when my thoughts come together like this, I am together.I am not reliant on anyone else for my happiness right now. I'm sure that has helped considerably. There are no abandonment issues, no infidelities, no one but myself and God to be accountable to.
This feels very good, but I have to watch it or I will find myself being afraid it won't last-- and that would defeat the whole process.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment