Once upon a time

 

Peter Pan goes by so many aliases. 

Right now he is hiding out in the trees of Appalachia, surrounded by his band of boys who do a lot of carpentry work when they are not kayaking, rafting and canoeing.

Wendy is making leather crafts and weaving fairy hair when she is not with the  boys.

The youngest Darling has been returned home where he plays video games near his attic window.

And the crocodile creeps around like a ticking bomb looking for things to destroy.

While here in the Heartland Alice has awakened in Wonderland where most things are wondrously white and shiny and the air conditioner keeps everything cool.

The world lies at her feet, waiting to be painted in dreams and memories and served up with tea and cookies.

Everywhere you look the familiar fairy tales are replaying themselves with new faces and old stories told time and time again.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

 

Thanks to the untiring help of my family and friends I am moved! In fact, I am completely unpacked, which is not to say I won't rearrange in the future, but I am as settled as you can imagine being in four days time.

Everyone has gone out of their way to make this easy on me, including the staff of our building.

I have been to the local MacDonalds to use the internet until it was installed yesterday. I have been to the local Walmart and the local Kroger. I have even been to dinner at my brother's house already!

I have unpacked in between bouts of sitting in a chair with my feet propped up and a heating pad on my back, but it has still been fun. All my boxes are torn down and out for recycling.

Tomorrow I go to a potluck to meet some of the other people who live in this building and I'm looking forward to it.

After so many months of worrying about money, struggling to work, and trying to persevere until this happened, I can hardly believe I am here.

But I am!

Cobbling

 

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment after which I filled the car with gas and went to the grocery store for a couple of necessities. Then I went home exhausted!

Today I am resting. My back is still very problematic and I am not feeling great. I think, maybe, I am just scared. Of what? Scared of a move that is taking me away from the town I love and a life that is over into a new kind of life that may be my last chapter.

I am cobbling together all the resources I know of to make this possible.

Some dear friends sent me a large check in April to help and it is one of the main reasons I can do this. My niece and nephew found the place I am moving to and they are moving all my things there at the end of this week, but tomorrow I drive down to sign the lease.

While I am there my brother and sister are going to unpack what I already have in my car and then take my brother's dolly over to my nephew's house, so they can use it Saturday.

I am trying to rest as much as possible and still have things ready to go. Most of the apartment is long packed. Most things are clean. It is only my peace of mind that keeps faltering.

I am striving to be positive.

Jaded lessons

 

It is only in the great open spaces of a starry night that I hear my lover's passion,

Feel the unbearable aching deep within some part of me that knows more than this.

Fulfillment so satisfying I shall evermore seek its presence in corporeal moments 

No longer existing upon my plane? 

Or perhaps they never existed. Perhaps these are the memories of another space, another time, another place that has imprinted upon my soul, or whatever it is that is the real me, the everlasting me, the infinite me.

Yet I know it is real. I have always heard the echoes of its whisperings, remembered its impossible touch, known the all consuming ecstasy of its being around me.

A lifetime of searching has only brought me jaded lessons from imperfect lovers impersonating the impossible, the perfect,

The one true love.

In and out

I am struggling to find my center.

It is easy when everything goes along smoothly, but when there are  thousand moving pieces and they include both my body and my belongings, it gets trickier.

My kidney doctor keeps changing my blood pressure medicine and that affects my blood sugar as well as my hearing and energy level. 

My back and feet and knees were totally stressed out when I tried to go back to work and are just starting to recover. In order to protect what is left of my kidneys I cannot use most anti-inflammatory drugs

Financially I think I'm going to squeak by thanks to some very good friends who sent me a huge check this spring. I've been able to hold onto it for this move.

I know this move is necessary and actually a blessing in many ways, but trying to let go of the nagging voices in my mind that keep warning me something bad may happen is not easy.

Breathing in I take in the calm.

Breathing out I smile.

The next generation

 

People who work for money sometimes seem to think that the people who don't are not working, but that is far from the truth.

There may be people who simply lie about and travel and eat and do nothing, but most of the people I know and knew, who stay at home, are doing the jobs that working people cannot do when they are away from home or working all day.

They are caring for the next generation of people, giving them values and experiences, taught by example, that take an infinite amount of time and patience. They are spending hours reading to their children, doing puzzles, teaching them how to control their tempers and let their souls soar. It is a full time job. 

They are volunteering in the classrooms and school libraries to help teachers who are already overloaded.

They are cleaning their own homes, doing their own gardening, taxiing their, and other people's children, to sports events, music lessons, art lessons, doctor appointments, dentist appointments and preparing healthy nutritious meals for their families. 

They do not have babysitters, nannies, or sometimes anyone else to help them when they are exhausted. 

Stay at home parents work hard!

Working away from home is hard too, but there are trade offs. It may not be possible to stay at home and raise a child and some people do not have either the patience or skills to do it, but never make the mistake of thinking they are just stay at home parents.

These are the people creating the next generation, the people who will run the world when we grow old.

Reliant

We have all told other people to call us if they need anything and most of us mean it, but also for most of us, it is a difficult thing to ask for help..

I am in the process of moving next week and my back is a mess. I moved some furniture and strained a muscle, or maybe pulled a tendon. I am okay as long as I don't stand up or bend over.

Now the true test.

I have had to call on family and both my sister's family and my brother's family are going to help as much as they can. They both live out of town.

Now the problem.

I have to really stay off my feet until then so even cooking an egg is painful right now. My sister is going to come up and bring me food I can quickly assemble so that is possible. It means an extra trip for her, but she is willing to do it.

I am so grateful for all the help.

I never dreamed of being in this position.

Remember the pain

 

Memory is an exotic animal.

I remember things that happened when I was two years old, but I forget to avoid the actions that caused me so much pain a day ago!

What is it that drives me to do things that harm my body? 

I know it is partially guilt.

I feel like I should be working around the apartment, packing, doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking a meal.

If I had a broken back and was wearing a cast, that might validate that I need to rest, but a strained back doesn't show and I am embarrassed by how little I am able to accomplish right now.

I have been to Prompt Care twice in nine days. The second time they gave me enough muscle relaxers that I could take three a day instead of only one. That really helped, but it leaves me feeling that I am healed when the pain stops and that is a false assumption.

Today I vow to remember the pain I am in when I get up and move around too much.

No matter how little that is.

Pain!

The day before yesterday I was in so much pain I was willing to die. Yesterday was not much better. I went to Prompt Care on the fourth of July and they would only give me enough medicine to partially ease the pain for a few hours each day. They told me to wait until Monday and go to my primary care doctor.

Today I seem to have it under control. What a difference that makes!

This is turning out to be a turning point in my life.

When I had to go back to work I thought it was worth it to stay here in this apartment. Now, after forcing my body to do things it was no longer able to do and catching a very bad case of Covid in spite of being totally immunized, I realize going back to work was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life.

I honestly didn't think I had much choice. Rent everywhere is outrageous and I'm on a fixed income, but thanks to family I found a rent subsidized apartment. I just hope it isn't too late. I am trying desperately to regain my health, but I think I was trying too hard.

Trying to balance mental and physical health is always a bit tricky, but once a body begins failing to stand up to its old standards, it becomes critical.

My family has promised they will move me no matter what. Even if I can't help carry things to the truck. I have already packed as much as I can until that day comes and it's a good thing, because I have barely been able to get drinks of water, or get to my bathroom for the last three days.

Today was better. The pain seems to be under control if I am very careful not to move the wrong way, or put any pressure on my joints for more than a minute or two.

I have never felt this vulnerable in my life.