Fantasy

My creativity seems to be hidden deep inside of me.

It comes out on its own, when it is ready, in whatever form it chooses. I always think I am consciously choosing it, but I think if that were true so many of my paintings would not start as one thing and end as something else.

I always thought music was supposed to be my tour de force,  but honestly I believe it is my personal way of letting go. I am always very tense when I play for others, but when I play for me it is relaxing.

It never occurred to me to paint while I was growing up. No one ever mentioned that they saw any talent in my art work. In fact, it was my mother who was considered the artsy one and sometimes my brother, Tom.

When my children were growing up, I took oil painting classes, because I had a sort of crush on the person who talked me into taking them. I learned a lot about oil painting and colors. I developed my eye, but I never allowed my creativity to develop. I was afraid it was not good enough.

I've always written, but I've done my best writing under a pseudonym and share it exclusively with people I think will respond positively.

When Bestest gave me some canvases and acrylic paints a few years ago, he made no requests except that I have fun. No one stood behind me while I painted and yet in the beginning I worried that what I chose would be silly, or sentimental, or worthless in some way. Still, I enjoyed it.

Bestest is always positive about anything I do and so is my son, but it wasn't until I met my Muse that I began to find myself. My real self.

My Muse saved my life and then he set me free. He has called me to be alive, to do things, to write and play my keyboard and paint and no matter how bad I am, he seems to find something good in it. He promises he will always be here and yet our relationship is totally without strings. We have never met in person. I doubt we ever will, but his kindness and strength and wisdom are important to me.

My newest painting started like several others. It was supposed to be an ocean scene, but it turned into a Bald eagle just about to catch a fish in its sharp talons. I am that fish and the eagle is all the things both good and bad that have zoomed out of nowhere, surprising me, and influencing my life. Sometimes literally taking my breath away with the shock, or horror, or joy, or even love. That eagle personifies the most life changing moments in my world. It is why I paint water scenes all the time, why I dream of water so often.

I live in the depths until something jerks me up into a world I cannot avoid or deny. Living fully is a real life fantasy and I am inescapably part of that.