Catching up

 

My sister is always saying she will retire when she is "all caught up." Then she goes out and spends more money. I remember times when I thought I could catch up, get out of all debt. Have everything I needed and wanted.

It never actually happened, or, on the rare occasions that it did, it never lasted.

There are plateaus in life. They are bigger for some people than others, but for me, as long as I am breathing and moving there is going to be change. I am almost always on the hunt for something. Trying to lower my blood sugar, to lose weight, to find just the right apartment, to build my dream house, become an author, a teacher, a mother. 

Unfortunately once I achieve any of these goals it is anti-climatic, sometimes disappointing, and seldom lasting.

The thing that makes life worth living are the attempts to make it better. It isn't about being unsatisfied. It is about dreaming and creating and trying new things. I like variety and when all else fails, I rearrange the furniture! During the quarantine I had everything I needed. A safe comfortable home, computer access, books to read, groceries dropped at my door, all the entertainment a television could provide and for a while I was more than content. Then I began to gain weight and feel depressed. 

I felt like an animal living in a zoo. All my needs were being met except that I had no goals, nothing to look forward to.

Now, even though I love stability, I really don't want to "catch up." When I die there will be ravelings hanging loose all over the place, but that is okay with me.  A fringed shawl has so many more possibilities than a tight knit sweater.