Conditioned

 

I have been seriously considering going to counseling and I still may, but I had an "Aha!" moment tonight that came because of a dream I had the night before last.

In the dream my ex and I were still together and we were doing something I found very meaningful and sweet. As usual, I felt something was not quite right, but was not sure what it was. Then I realized that everything we were doing was a sham!

He was just saying and doing the things he needed to in order to keep me pacified. I felt so betrayed.

Tonight I had flashbacks from this dream and I realized that, at least, the last twenty years of our relationship was like that. Nearly everything we did was backed up by a secret relationship, or something he was doing that I didn't know about until later.

That means the paranoia he accused me of was based on real things!  I was not paranoid. I was simply aware on one level or another and unable to believe he would do that.

I am not paranoid. I am conditioned. 

And I can work with that.