Me, me, me, meeeeeeeee

 

Know thyself.

I have heard that phrase since before I can remember, but it still confounds me.

There are absolutes about me that have never really changed. I am a very vivid dreamer and I remember a lot of my dreams. I am super sensitive to textures in both things I touch and taste. The idea of eating an unfrozen grape and feeling my teeth pop through the skin is nearly unimaginable for me, as is the texture of a lima bean, or meat like kidney or liver. I sleep best when covered in something not too heavy, but with enough weight to feel secure and my vellux throw is like a security blanket. I sort of swaddle myself in it in my recliner and it is very soothing. People who are unfair, unkind, or illogical upset me so much I will have nightmares after being around them.

I like the idea of people, but having to interact with more than one or two people for any length of time is so difficult I would rather be alone. I like sounds like whale songs, thunderstorms, and even some regular music for maybe half an hour, but I can drive for hours with no sound at all and be perfectly at ease. Anything that won't stop eventually drives me mad after half an hour or so. I am never going to be the person whose television runs in the background. I can't stand the noise. When there is sound I feel compelled to pay attention.

I have a soothing action I do by rubbing my thumbs or fingers together. There is a crisp feel and a squishy feel, but to me they speak of something past that is safe and secure, like an umbilical to the great mother. It is not something I choose, just something I find myself doing a lot of the time.

I know that I am intelligent. Some things are much easier for me than for many other people, but there are things I have problems with. Names and titles are difficult for me to remember, but I could tell you everything else about what I am reading, learning, or watching. Numbers are easy. I see numbers and patterns in everything. I even hear it in sounds.

I am very self conscious so my musical ability is really only for me.

I am loyal beyond loyal to those I love and respect, but have little tolerance for people who claim to be loving while really being self-serving and doing things that make them happy without really helping the one they love.

I consider myself a fair person, but I am also a judging person. I may not act on that judging part, but I feel it. And sometimes I do act on it.

At this stage of my life I think I am only fit to live with myself. I am often too tired to do more and too sensitive to be able to tolerate sharing a space too closely for too long and still be kind.

And I want to be kind.