Gratitude

I have had the urge to hibernate since around Christmas this year.

There was no great aha moment, just a feeling that I needed to withdraw that became stronger as the months wore on.

For the first time in my life I had very little desire to socialize. In fact, it became a little bit of a push to get myself to go to those things I was committed to.

I considered the fact that I might be becoming agoraphobic for some reason. That didn't feel right, but the feeling of not wanting to participate in public venues persisted.

Last week my sister came to visit and we went to the local zoo, which is honestly seldom very busy, but we also went out to eat and I remember feeling a great relief when the restaurant we went to was not crowded at all.

Then I heard that people were hoarding toilet paper because of coronavirus. I went to the stores and was both shocked and angered by the empty aisles. I called my sister who found it in her town and the next day I drove down there to pick it up from her. We went out to a crowded restaurant for lunch and I realized I was willing to leave if they couldn't provide us with a table. They did and all was well.

I don't particularly like booths in the best of times. They make me feel closed in, but it was stronger than that on Friday.

I know it is probably coincidence, but now that we are under voluntary quarantine here, I feel much more comfortable than I have for some time. I do go out when it is necessary: to vote, to pick up prescriptions, to the grocery store, but I feel justified in staying in otherwise.

I am disappointed to have my Cirque du Soleil tickets cancelled, but it seems like a small matter compared to people who are not working and not being paid, so they don't know how they will feed their children, or pay their bills, or people who have already lost loved ones.

It seems to me that we should just be grateful for what do have right now. There may be a time when we, too, wish our biggest disappointment is not going to Disneyworld, or the cruises we have planned for years.

Perhaps my body was just ready for this and perhaps I am just imaging that, but either way I feel fortunate that being voluntarily quarantined is pretty easy for me.