Feelings

Some people go to counseling to get in touch with their feelings. That is one thing I've never had to do.

If I were any more in touch with my feelings I would not be able to function in this insane world we live in right now.

My feelings are not just part of me. It is more like I am part of my feelings, this powerful mass of impulses held back by reason and self restraint most of the time.

They even invade my dreams. Night after night my feelings take on the form of things I love and fear and haunt me in unimaginable adventures. No movie has ever impacted me more than the dreams I have nearly every night. Some are wonderful. Others are terrifying.

During the day I am impacted by the news popping up on my car radio or computer and sometimes it actually feels like it is knocking me around, slapping me in the face, ruining a beautiful day with words and images of the ugliness in this world.

Once upon a time I protested, carried signs, made phone calls, canvased neighborhoods, worked hard to try and change things. Now I often feel like a turtle whose shell has been ripped off and is exposed to what is sometimes almost unbearable frustration and pain and disbelief.

Perhaps it is age, or the culmination of a life time of experiences, or maybe I am just worn out, but my feelings seem to be flowering in the midst of a new world order whose horror is beyond imagining and I just want to sink back into the darkness like the lotus and stay there until there is once more light and hope.