Suprise suprise suprise

Moments of self understanding have always seemed simple to me. Why wouldn't I be able to understand how I feel?

Today I learned something about myself that I kind of knew, but did not understand how deep it went.

All my life I have had a sense of noblesse oblige, a feeling that those who are abundantly blessed are under an obligation to give back.

Most people have traditionally considered that to mean people who are wealthy need to care for those less fortunate, but I think I internalized that to mean anyone blessed by anything -- money, good fortune, luck, whatever.

I have always felt blessed by life. Even when some of it was very hard I have had a sense that others have, or have had, much more difficult times. Especially when it came to being paid to work. I never felt I had to work. Therefore I could be a stay at home mother, or a woman who could volunteer her services.

I never realized that I felt I was obligated to volunteer until today.

I stopped volunteering in the elementary school library this year and immediately began looking for another semi permanent volunteer job to replace it. I already volunteer for smaller jobs here and there, but decided to begin volunteering for a counseling agency this January.

Over the past month I have felt many qualms about this and this week, when it was about to start, I started feeling sick and wondering if I would miss the first day. It has manifested in my dreams and pretty much consumed my thoughts for weeks.

Today I asked myself why I was feeling this way and for the first time realize I felt like I was under an obligation. I was not volunteering because I thought it would be fun, but because I felt it was the best choice for something I HAD to do.

I sent them an email and said I would not be able to volunteer due to personal reasons and they were fine with that. They said if things changed give them a call.

I have not felt this good in years!  All day long I felt free and relaxed and more energetic than I have felt in months.

No one could be more surprised than me.