How it feels

I don't know how long it takes most people to come to terms with themselves and I don't know how long it really takes to recover from a difficult situation, but I do believe I'm getting close.

Not that it hasn't been a long time coming. It has. I am now seventy years old, or young, depending on how you look at it. I remember feeling very old in my forties and having an older woman refer to me as a girl. I thought that was funny then. Now I can imagine looking at me from the viewpoint of a 96 year old woman -- and seeing a relatively younger person.

The past twenty years have been transitional and like most transitions, parts of them have been painful, difficult, frustrating, but with moments of great joy scattered throughout. The joy has not been constant in any way, but it has always been transforming as has the bad even though I might wish it wasn't.

I am beginning to find myself surprisingly content with much of my life. I am looking for apartments for my granddaughter and realize I haven't seen anything that would fit me better than where I am now. I think I could move anywhere in the country and realize that I don't want to leave the friends and opportunities I have here. I wouldn't mind being thinner and more beautiful, but I'm actually pretty happy with the way I look in this moment.

In other words I am finding the gift of satisfaction right here in this place and moment. It feels really good. Stable! Surprisingly comfortable! Oddly anticlimactic.