Enough

I think I am happier right now than I have ever been.

It's not that I haven't been happy in the past. There were moments with my children, many of them in fact, where I was so happy I thought I'd burst with joy, but in between there was always that nagging feeling of not being enough.

I was not thin enough. That could be the theme song of my life. Twiggy set the standards for my generation, but somehow I didn't get the message that she only set the standards for how she looked and looking is much different than feeling. In my younger years that was okay. I could maintain that anorexic 102 pounds on my tall frame and feel happy. For a while I was enough, but for the rest of my life I put off so many things because I thought I was too fat to be seen doing them.

My hair was not long enough, or straight enough. That too was okay in the brief heyday of my twenties. It was never really straight no matter how much I ironed it, but it was long. Then in 2008 I cut it very short. My new role model was Judi Dench. I have not regretted that.

I was not educated enough. I always felt like I was fooling the world by pretending to be smart, but since I've met Bestest that has ebbed. He makes me feel like I am perfect just the way I am.

And maybe that is why I have been so happy the last ten years. I stopped drawing pictures of me on paper that were frizzy haired chubby wanna-bees and began drawing them in my head where I really live.

I live in a pretty awesome world where a woman like me can find her name in books that a distinguished English professor writes. He writes lovely things about me that I have a hard time owning, but that fill me with joy. I have been able to jump in my car and drive all over the United States. I have friends to do exciting things with and friends just to sit with. I can pay my bills. I am relatively healthy for a woman my age.

Life for me is now more than enough.