Rigged

One of the benefits of time is that it is possible to grow and become more aware of the reality of life.

As a child my teachers were concerned that I felt I needed to be perfect. My parents joked about it and most of my life I have too.

It never seemed to occur to any of them, or me, to wonder why I felt that way.

Tonight as I was downloading a picture from my phone to my computer I felt that same old anxiety flooding over me. The feeling that if I screwed up, or made a mistake, it would be irreconcilable. It would be a fatal flaw, an irredeemable error. I would have missed my one chance to do it right and therefore have engendered a series of events that would negatively impact my life forever more!

As my hand shook, I felt panicky trying to plug the cord from my phone into the computer!

And then it came to me.

What if I somehow did not download this picture? What if I even lost the picture in the process (which is almost impossible to do?) What terrible, awful, horrendous thing would happen?

And it hit me.

Nothing!

I would simply take the picture again and then transfer it to my computer. And it leaves me a bit shaken to think I have done almost everything in my life with this same frenetic fear that has no basis on reality.

Where did I ever get the idea that I could do irreparable damage to my life without even meaning to? That somehow things are rigged against me, just waiting for me to mess up? I realize I even have dreams about doing this, but maybe now I won't.

Maybe.