Tempting fate

Today I granted myself the favor of reading a good book in the middle of the day!

That may sound ridiculous, but most of my life, really fascinating reading material has been hard come by and reading is one of the great joys of my life.

From the time I could read I would save good books for special times so I could savor them, loll in their mysteries, become one with the story. I remember reading at my desk on a Sunday afternoon with a much coveted glass of Coca Cola and two ice cubes. It was much diminished by the spider that somehow fell into the glass and crunched between my teeth!

Later I would read in the bathtub, carefully picking a time when no one else in the family was likely to need in. Propped up with a cheese sandwich and steaming hot water, I was in paradise.

I did not have access to the public library as a child except on very rare occasions. We were a one car family and it was far away. I read nearly everything in our house, but it wasn't always what I was dying to read.

Later, when I should have had access to anything I wanted there was a sense of scarcity. I didn't feel I had the right to go buy books and I also didn't have the time, or means to get to a library much of the time, so when I did have a really good book? I cherished it! That meant pacing out the reading so I wouldn't finish it too soon and lose those "friends" I found between the covers.

Now I live by myself. I have a good working car and lots of time, but old habits dye hard.

I tend to read at bedtime. I look forward to it and it helps me go to sleep. It is the reward I get for going to bed. A part of me is almost afraid that if I take advantage of my resources (book) and time, that somehow I might lose this precious right. I know that makes no sense, but it's a fear that has been with me since childhood.

Today I gave myself permission to just sit down and read! After all it's a big book and it will take me a while to finish it. And -- when I do -- I can either go to the library, or order another one.

I am enjoying every second, but when I pause to think about it, it does seem as though I am tempting fate.