A life

The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness. A quote by Norman Cousins that a friend sent me this morning.

It made me think -- about so many things.

And it feels right in so many ways, but is that because I am predisposed to do this, or have I been  taught by my family, culture, or community to believe that I must be part of a herd, or pack? Perhaps loneliness has less to do with others and more to do with perception.

Biologically I am probably pretty much finished with my life. I no longer expect to have another child, nor do I expect to raise any more children. I understand that I still have value to people, both in my family and my volunteer work, but I am certainly not irreplaceable.

I don't really want to work more than I do right now, but I also don't have anything I consider truly valuable that I need to do most days.

I have always been good at filling up my time and I still am. I read, write, play music and draw a little. I go out with friends. I have a spiritual life, but all of this is without any real goals. Then again, I have never been goal oriented.

Looking back I think I have mostly been self oriented. Everything I have done, or enjoyed, or felt was worthwhile seems to have been something that satisfied a need in me. It may have made things better, or more interesting, or more enjoyable for others too, but it began with me wanting to do it.

Does that make it less meaningful? I don't know. Is it the journey or the end that counts?

For me, both really. I don't think I can love one and discount the other. For me most experiences are immersions. I seldom just dabble in things that are important to me. I throw myself in lock, stock, and barrel. My loves, thoughts, emotions, physical well being, even dreams are so inextricably interconnected it is difficult for me to separate them.

I've always needed to live in the midst of my own wave; drinking, eating, sleeping, acting on and feeling life as I flow through it. Some people call that passion. Others might call it narcissism or obsession. Whatever it is -- it is, or was, me.

Now I suddenly find myself set free, like a bobber whose line is cut in the middle of an open ocean. Free to go anywhere within the limitations of my life, how much money or health, or courage I have. But the problem is that I do not feel called to be anywhere, or do anything right now.

I am truly at sea.