Too beautiful

Sometimes I feel like I am just visiting my own apartment and sometimes I am even surprised when I look in the mirror and see me.

Of course I recognize myself and I know this is my place, but there is often a surreal feeling about it all.

Driving down the street today I looked at the trees and the greens were astounding, backed up by a sky so blue and so full of huge fluffy clouds that it could have been a picture drawn by some artistic tween age girl.

I felt like I had stepped onto a movie set for Home Town, USA.

It should be heaven, but underneath it all is a nagging feeling that I am forgetting something, that there is a dark undercurrent here that could drag me back down with no warning at all, or that I have done something wrong that will come back to haunt me as soon as I remember it.

I suspect that is the past and I should bury it deep so I can fully enjoy the present, but there really are things in the past that "haunt" me. Not since I was a child have I felt the security of being in a beautiful place with everyone I love close by. Growing up means losing so many people in so many different ways it almost makes me afraid to love.

Yet . . . how can I not?