Under the gun

Old mind sets die hard.

I spent most of my life rushing around, worrying that what I did might not be the most efficient, or best way. Trying to conserve time so I could rush around doing similar things in other parts of my life.

It was the way I lived. Even my centering prayer and meditation was inserted in such a way that it facilitated this way of being.

My life was based on the premise that anything less than perfection, including conservation of the earth, my soul, my mothering, my self care was always under scrutiny and coming up short. The briefer my actions were, the less they presented an opportunity for criticism.

Of course there were many downsides, for example: Sitting in the doctor's waiting room waiting a very long time and knowing I was not being proactive and efficient meant that by the time they took my blood pressure it would be sky high.

But I felt I had no choice.

I didn't even consider the idea of a choice until yesterday when I was contemplating going to the post office. I was plotting out the best time to go so that I would not waste time in line when it occurred to me that I really didn't have anything better to do. Why worry so much about this little detail?

I simply went after I had breakfast and showered and got ready in a leisurely way. It turned out there was almost no one there when I arrived, but even if there had been, I was not under the gun to prove my efficiency.

I need to remember this.